Category Archives: Humor

Christians, Part 3

OK, I swear, I will try to stop creating these Christian posts. My last post pushed my blog view count to over 1,000. It’s like adding Palin to the GOP ticket. All of a sudden, everyone gets excited and interested, or worried and annoyed–take your pick. I just put that track counter on my blog about 2 months ago. That’s pretty good for a small, unknown personal blog, don’t ya think? The video was pulled from Youtube and now even The Way International’s website. I guess they weren’t enjoying the attention. So, you’ll just have to take my word from it–it was freakin’ hilarious.

I think what surprises me the most about that last post was that so many people commented on it. It’s a shame they pulled it from Youtube. I didn’t want people to be left hanging, so thanks to my friend Genilyn, here is another real gem.

A few more notes…

1) Sonseed… really??? Doesn’t exactly create a good mental image.

2) “He taught me how to praise God and still rock-n-roll…” I can only assume he is referring to this pseudo polka/reggae/ska music. wow.

3) I think the guy playing guitar on the left might possibly be barefoot. He must be a recovering hippie.

4) My favorite line of the whole song:

“…he touched me down inside. He is like a mounty, he always gets his man, and he’ll zap you anyway he can…zap!”

That last line pretty much leaves me speechless.

Christians, Part 2

I never intended for there to be any follow-ups to my Christians post. Really. I realize that I can tend to obsess about things, especially when it comes to things involving Christians. But, this is totally out of my hands. You see, a fellow blogger recently sent me this video. Before I go any further I want you to watch this video…in its entirety. This was posted on Youtube by someone who runs a bizarre Christian blog called The House of Hunt. It’s a very interesting blog. Check it out after you check out this video.
The video was removed from Youtube. It was also removed from The Way International’s website. Wow. I guess they really weren’t enjoying all of the new traffic. They really should learn to have a sense of humor about themselves. I mean come on, really? Well, at least I have the memories of that video and the hours of laughter it gave me.

Now, for just a few notes…

1) Evidently, these people are part of The Way International. This is a religious group that is considered to be a cult by most mainstream Christians. No comment.

2) I have watched this video over 10 times and find it funnier each time.

3) I love the fact that they worked the phrase “legal rights” into their song. That takes talent.

4) Not many people can pull off choreographed “freestyle” in a suit, tie, and wireless headset microphone–correction, no one can actually pull that off.

5) I think I’m gonna watch it again.

OK. So, I have a confession to make before I start getting all kinds of comments reminding me of my past. I once was part of a music group that can now be considered equally cheesy and hilarious. Just add a some bad acting and a multi-media slide presentation. I guess this isn’t totally a new confession. I just feel like every now and then I should own up to it, just in case any old video footage ever surfaces. We would travel to churches, located mostly in the Pagan Midwestern states and attempt to convert people that were already going to church. As you can imagine, we were incredibly successful.

From a performance standpoint, I do have to say that this trio was very well rehearsed. Oh, shit, who am I kidding? This was ridiculous. I sure do hope they produce more material for us…

Modeling with Pain

By now you probably know that I am completely obsessed with America’s Next Top Model, starring one Miss Tyra Banks. Love it. Seriously. And, if somehow you’ve missed this sensation that has swept across the nation, please do the world a favor and click on the link in my first sentence to visit the website. Or, watch just one episode. They constantly replay them on MTV. You’ll be a better person for it. And I promise that you won’t be let down.

I think people sometimes don’t get my sarcasm. You really should know that I enjoy ANTM mostly for its comedic value. In general, that’s why I love most of reality TV so much. The funniest stuff is the stuff that you just can’t make up. Like when a reality “star” says something that is beyond outrageous and impossible to take out of context.

For instance, not too long ago, Kimberly from The Real World: Hollywood used the words “blackville” and “ghetto” in the same sentence to describe another cast member she didn’t like. It was all very typical, spoiled, white, Texan girl behavior. I saw the clip on one of those reality recap shows on E. I haven’t actually watched “The Real World” for about the last 10 seasons. I remember watching it when the title wasn’t ironic. At least in this season the cast members are honest about their intentions–they’re all trying to “make it” in various parts of the show biz industry. Maybe it’s gone back to gettin’ real. I may just add it to my DVR list for next season. 😉

I love it when I read in a reality show cast member’s bio that they’ve “moved to LA and are trying to make it in the industry.” Really? What part of getting drunk and allowing cameras tape you while you pee in a corner qualifies you to be an actor? But, then again, “actors” are even taking the “reality” show plunge these days. So, who am I to try and define what it means to be an actor?

Oh, fiddlesticks. I got off topic again. Crap. I hate when that happens. I was supposed to be talking about Tyra Banks and ANTM. This is what happens when I drink too much coffee and just let my fingers do the talking while I am actually people watching. Some days I get a little unfocused. At least, I’m not at home trying to do this while the TV is on–that’s always a disaster. Ok, soTyra.

Part-way through this past season, Tyra had the “models” do a little exercise with her. She taught the girls how to come up with poses when they couldn’t think of what to do. Evidently, this happens a lot in the modeling world. She starts out by walking the catwalk with them, showing off her fancy moves. Then she fakes a sprained ankle and segues into what she calls “Modeling with Pain.” Oh, Tyra! Now, there’s a real actress. She had all those models fooled, and we all know how difficult that is. I would love to post the clip of this, but, I think you should look it up for yourself. You’ve got to see the wealth of ANTM clips that are on YouTube. Search: “modeling with pain” or just “ANTM.” You’ll be amazed by what appears.

I was watching the show with Jeff, and we both just knew that we had to do this. It was too rich to pass up. We started calling out different types of pain for the other to pose. It was a pose-off. Jeff took it a step further and decided that we should have a few of our friends over and make a “game night” out of it. I’m proud to present the condensed version of the video we created from that night. This is what happens when you combine 5 gay men, a modeling “game”, a video camera, and several cosmos. We had so much fun doing this. I admit that I got a little bit bossy with my “modeling directions.” I blame it on the drinks…

Starbucks closing 600 stores…

I guess I should stop apologizing for admitting to thinking certain things. That’s kind of the point of my blog, right? I’m neurotic. Who isn’t, though? I think sometimes that people try too hard to appear like they aren’t neurotic. I say, embrace your neuroses!

OK. So, now that I have the formalities out of the way, I’d like to go on the record and state that I actually downloaded the PDF file of the list of 600 Starbucks stores that are closing. Not only did I download it, but I also went through the list to see which ones would affect me. I was relieved to see that only 2 were in San Francisco and both were downtown. Only 1 have I ever visited. I had my moment of mourning, observed a moment of silence, and am now trying to move forward in these difficult and trying times. I would like to thank you in advance for your condolences.

I couldn’t help but feel sad as I looked through the list and noticed that the good people of Hickville, NY, would be losing their beloved Broadway Mall Starbucks. They will now have to get their Starbucks’ coffee from the store that probably sits in the parking lot of the Broadway Mall. Or, possibly the one that is on the way to the Broadway Mall. These are trying times indeed.

It’s not that I love Starbucks. I actually prefer to get my coffee from H Cafe, which sits approximately 20 yards from my front doorstep. It’s a privately owned and operated coffee house/café with a lot of character(s), depending on how you look at it. But I travel for a living, and Starbucks at least provides me with a consistent cup of coffee while I’m on the road.

My home flight attendant base is at the Oakland International Airport. Up until about a year ago, there wasn’t even a Seattle’s Best or a Peet’s Coffee. Now out of nowhere, there are 4 Starbucks! 2 are open and 2 are soon to be open. This might not be a lot for say, LAX or Chicago O’Hare, but Oakland only has approximately 30 gates. Not that I’m complaining, it’s nice not to have to walk more than 50 yards to get to the closest Starbucks. And business seems to be pretty good for my OAK Starbucks, too. The other day the closest one to me had a line of about 30 people.

It’s nice to see that when God closes one Starbucks’ doors, He opens another.

p.s.- I kept the list…so if you are curious to see if one of your Starbucks is closing, just ask… 😉

Pedestrian Rage

This week is my 3 year anniversary of going car-less. And I have to tell you, I don’t miss it–not even a little bit. Especially when you consider the price of gas/repairs/tolls/parking/insurance/etc. etc… Well, it’s amazing how splendidly I’ve adapted to walking and to public transit. There is one minor problem, however. I’ve developed a serious case of pedestrian rage. I’m not proud of it. But, seeing that I don’t have a car to use to get rid of all the rage, I take it out on my fellow walkers.

I guess I view the sidewalk as a mini-road. And, I’ve got places to go, you know? The sidewalk would be a much better, nay, safer place to be if people just followed my simple rules. I love a good list–who doesn’t, really–so here it is: Tyler’s six simple sidewalk statutes:

1) You should always walk to the right side of the sidewalk. Avoid weaving back and forth (i.e.–a drunken stupor), as this makes it difficult for people to pass you.

2) If you’re in a group, don’t hog the whole sidewalk. But rather, walk in 2’s, or better yet, single file. This will allow for easy passing. You may look like a troupe of boy scouts, but, safety first. I’d hate to have to walk out in the street to get around you, because, hey, those drivers are crazy.

3) Be sure to keep a steady normal pace. You’re never gonna burn those calories with a gingerly stroll. (side note: My friend Jaclyn would love to tell you that I walk too slowly. When I walk with her, she’s possessed. I mean seriously, the girl can speed walk. And sometimes I want to stop and smell the roses.)

4) When you stop and smell the roses, be certain no one is directly behind you when you stop. This could cause that person to have to swerve out into the street, and hey, those drivers are crazy.

5) Don’t follow too closely. If I wanted to give you a piggy-back ride, I would have asked you.

6) If you are going to talk on your cell phone and walk, be aware of who is around you. They may not want to hear your fight with your boyfriend. (This applies to riding the bus as well. Maybe I should write Tyler’s rules for riding the rails…)

Crap. OK. So, I just proof read my rules. I think that it may be time to finally go on Prozac. But, hey, at least I’m not behind behind the wheel anymore. I’ve seen some of my friends behind the wheel, and let me tell you, they are crazy.