This week is my 3 year anniversary of going car-less. And I have to tell you, I don’t miss it–not even a little bit. Especially when you consider the price of gas/repairs/tolls/parking/insurance/etc. etc… Well, it’s amazing how splendidly I’ve adapted to walking and to public transit. There is one minor problem, however. I’ve developed a serious case of pedestrian rage. I’m not proud of it. But, seeing that I don’t have a car to use to get rid of all the rage, I take it out on my fellow walkers.
I guess I view the sidewalk as a mini-road. And, I’ve got places to go, you know? The sidewalk would be a much better, nay, safer place to be if people just followed my simple rules. I love a good list–who doesn’t, really–so here it is: Tyler’s six simple sidewalk statutes:
1) You should always walk to the right side of the sidewalk. Avoid weaving back and forth (i.e.–a drunken stupor), as this makes it difficult for people to pass you.
2) If you’re in a group, don’t hog the whole sidewalk. But rather, walk in 2’s, or better yet, single file. This will allow for easy passing. You may look like a troupe of boy scouts, but, safety first. I’d hate to have to walk out in the street to get around you, because, hey, those drivers are crazy.
3) Be sure to keep a steady normal pace. You’re never gonna burn those calories with a gingerly stroll. (side note: My friend Jaclyn would love to tell you that I walk too slowly. When I walk with her, she’s possessed. I mean seriously, the girl can speed walk. And sometimes I want to stop and smell the roses.)
4) When you stop and smell the roses, be certain no one is directly behind you when you stop. This could cause that person to have to swerve out into the street, and hey, those drivers are crazy.
5) Don’t follow too closely. If I wanted to give you a piggy-back ride, I would have asked you.
6) If you are going to talk on your cell phone and walk, be aware of who is around you. They may not want to hear your fight with your boyfriend. (This applies to riding the bus as well. Maybe I should write Tyler’s rules for riding the rails…)
Crap. OK. So, I just proof read my rules. I think that it may be time to finally go on Prozac. But, hey, at least I’m not behind behind the wheel anymore. I’ve seen some of my friends behind the wheel, and let me tell you, they are crazy.
Sort of related to number 6: I was on BART the other day, coming back from Laney College, and there was a cute young woman seated across from me, chatting on a cell phone: “So, Dion dropped me off at BART the other day, and it was dark already, and I didn’t want to be waiting there by myself, so I called Tyrone. (pause) No, I didn’t tell Dion. (pause) Well, Tyrone picked me up at BART and asked if I wanted to go for a drink at The Nite Spot. (pause) Yes, I did. So, when we got there I seen all of Dion’s team mates, and I was like scared that Dion was gonna be there, but he wasn’t. (pause) I know. (pause) So, after we had a couple drinks and danced some, we went back to Tyrone’s house. (pause) Yes, I did. (pause) No, we didn’t do it. We didn’t do anything. I mean, we just cuddled. It was really nice to just cuddle with someone, you know? Listen, we’re going into the tunnel now, so (phone cuts out).”