Category Archives: Food for Thought

The Long Road to Where I Am–Part 1

Posted on August 10, 2007 | 5 comments

I have purposefully avoided blogging too much about my days at bible college. Or, about the process of my coming out. I know that a lot of people I went to school with read my blog. So, I’ve tried to avoid those subjects in order to make most everyone happy. But, I have to be honest, my college days not only were rife with personal strife; but also, they were rife with some seriously funny shit. Well, at least, it’s funny now…to me…anyway. And, I will get to that funny shit in future posts. I’m sorry to offend anyone. But, I’m writing these blogs more for myself than anyone else. 😉 I’m happy if you enjoy them, but this is therapeutic for me. And, I’ve got to tell ya that I love therapy. Sometimes…anyway.

Therapy for me is all about growth and self-improvement. And, I’ve always been a bit obsessed about self-improvement. I love the “idea” of becoming a “better me.” Despite all of my best intentions, though, I haven’t always been that good at actually seeing certain things through. For example, my bookshelves are full of self-help books. I especially love the “…for Dummies” series. I have “Nutrition for Dummies;” “Bartending for Dummies;” “MySpace for Dummies,” etc. etc. Most of them, as you might suspect, have been only partially read. I have ordered “life-changing” products from numerous infomercials. All of which, either have been thrown away, or are still in a corner waiting for that special day, when I will finally discover with great confidence that they do not solve my issues with working out. I haven’t truly succeeded in most of these attempts at improving myself–except for one. And, I feel like it’s the one that matters the most to me. I, with great effort, have come to terms with myself. Meaning…I love me for who I am.

It was several trips to a therapist during my fourth year of college that changed everything for me. I decided to go to a local pastor who was also a licensed therapist. You see, this was when I still believed that a person could change their sexual orientation. Let me clarify–I never have believed that being gay is a choice. Even while I was trying to change it, I didn’t believe that I chose it. Put the “nature vs. nurture” argument aside. Either way, I did not choose my sexual orientation. But, I used to believe that with enough prayer and counseling, it could be changed. Which is why I went to this particular therapist. I can’t say that I regret going; because, my few sessions with him really were a turning point for me. Obviously, this is not what he intended to do.

I don’t need to rehash my short stint in homosexual recovery. It should suffice to say that I have never felt worse about myself or about those around me than while I was with that therapist. Although, it did take me a little longer to officially come out, that was the last straw. It was after my second session with this pastor that I realized I wanted and needed to love myself. And, in order to do that, I had to be true to all of myself–which included being gay.

It’s also taken me a long time to admit it, but, I don’t regret going to bible college. I did for a long time, though. I’ve always thought that I would have been so much better off at a regular school–not having to “go through” all of that personal turmoil. I now believe that the experience of being a closeted gay man in that environment, although being tumultuous and painful, eventually made me stronger and more sure of myself. And, I should thank Ozark Christian College for that.

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Posted in Family, Food for Thought, Gay, My Life, The College Years

Tammy Faye Messner (Bakker) Passes

Posted on July 22, 2007 | Leave a comment

Tammy Faye Messner (Bakker) passed away on Friday. I remember watching PTL as a kid and simply being enthralled with her. (I did find her husband Jim a little annoying) In many ways, she was the first drag queen that I enjoyed watching. And what gay kid wouldn’t love watching someone who dresses and does their make-up like a drag queen. Not to mention all of the drama and tears, which was always fascinating. When the PTL show was taken off the air and the shit hit the fan (tax evasion and sex scandal) the christian community turned their backs on them.

Tammy Faye was not judgemental, and accepted every person regardless of who they were. She is one of the few christians I have seen publicly reach out to the gay community. I know that many people think of her as a bizarre, over the top, circus act. I see her as love.

That damn crack.

Posted on July 19, 2007 | Leave a comment

On the street where I live, there lies a crack. It’s actually two separate slabs of concrete that are being pushed apart by tree roots–one higher, one lower. But, I call it a crack.

And, I trip on that same damn crack every time I walk up the street. That damn crack has found me during phone conversations; while sipping coffee; while listening to my Ipod; while rolling my “granny cart” to the laundry mat; while simply walking with Jeff. And, it’s worth mentioning that I don’t just trip over this crack. I massively stumble over it, dropping my phone; spilling my coffee; causing my Ipod to skip; tipping over my “granny cart;” inducing giggles and mock “trips” from Jeff.

Those who know me know that I am prone to such clumsy episodes. I find it amazing that I can balance a tray of 14 drinks on one arm. Not only that, but, I can do that during turbulence, and while dodging peoples’ feet, and children squeezing past me in the aisle of the airplane. But, I can’t seem to manage walking up the street–the same street I have walked up hundreds of times–without stumbling on that same damn crack. You’d think I’d learn my lesson.

We as humans have a long history of not learning from our mistakes. We repeatedly make the same mistakes over and over and over. We continue to pollute in the same ways, even though we know what it does. We continue to spread hate even though we have seen what hate can do. And, we continue to think that “it” will never have to us, even though almost everyone that “it” has happened to also thought that same thing–whatever “it” is.

The problem is that we as humans have an amazingly short memory. I really have no other explanation as to why I can repeatedly trip over the same crack. The good news is that no notable harm has been done. Which may have something to do with why I don’t remember that crack before I trip on it.

Is that the solution? Do we have to be really hurt before we learn our lesson? As soon as I typed that, my mind began racing through illustrations of how people only learned a lesson once they were hurt or caused irreparable harm to something or someone. But, ever the optimist, I refuse to believe it.

I have to believe that I want to learn and grow; because, I want to be a better me; not because, I have no other choice. So here’s to growth–may we be best “we” that we can be!

Oh yeah, and if you see a blonde heap on the ground, covered in laundry and coffee with electronic devices scattered about…just keep walking and know that lessons are slowly being learned.
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Here’s video of Miss USA at the Miss Universe Pageant. I love the fact that, after she trips, she has this look on her face that says, “Yeah, I’m hot and I tripped…jealous?”

They

Posted on July 13, 2007 | 1 comment

I have discovered the most powerful group in the world. It is “they”. You know, “they” say… No other group has the power to influence opinion than “they”. “They” has discovered causes and cures for cancer; solutions to global warming; well, actually, “they” has taken on just about every current problem known. And, it has me thinking…who is “they?”

Well, here it is. “They” does not exist.

Flight Attendants are notorious for sharing bits of wisdom derived from the imaginary group “they.” Take your standard jumpseat (that’s where we sit) conversation for example: “I was talking to this one flight attendant who said that ‘they’ said that ‘they‘ were gonna close all of the west coast flight attendant bases…it’s true, that’s what ‘they‘ said. And then you know, ‘they‘ say that you really shouldn’t drink beverages out of a can because, you know, the aluminum will kill you. So, I’m gonna stop drinking Coke. ‘They‘ are always doing this to me, you know…”

Actually, I don’t know. Sometimes, I just feel like saying, “What are you talking about?”

“They” is simply who we attribute an out of control rumor to when we no longer even remember who started it. And, I hate rumors. But, not for the reason you might think. I don’t mind people talking about something behind your back; or, about something to which they aren’t really even connected. That’s just gonna happen. Kathy Griffin puts it this way when someone suggests that you “say it to her face”: “Um…I’d rather not. I’d rather wait until you leave the room. My mother raised me right. It’s called manners.“

I don’t like rumors; because, rumors usually contain bad information. And, if I am going to give up an essential part of my diet, like caffeine, I want it to be for a real reason. Not because “they” said so.

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Posted in Food for Thought, Rants

7-7-7

Posted on July 7, 2007 | 1 comment

Are any of you are gamblers? If not, today is the day to start. IT’S 7-07-07!!!! Which reminds me of a story. I know, I know… everything seems to remind me of a story or a movie or tv show or something. But, if you haven’t caught on by now, that’s how I excuse writing about some of the wacky things that have happened in my life, like my religious upbringing.

And, I blame my religious upbringing for making me superstitious. It’s kind of what prayer is to me. You focus on something really hard and …wham-mo… it happens. Sometimes…depending on how good you are at it. It’s kind of like the character “Hiro” on Heroes. He closes his eyes really tight and vibrates with concentration until he causes time to stand still–or better yet–he travels in time. (By the way, Heroes is my most favorite tv show of last season…) Anyway, my point is, I learned to use my mental capacity for altering situations as a child. And, boy, has it come in handy.

I should probably stop sharing top secret airline information; but, I think that, for your own good, you need to know this. I personally am responsible for keeping the airplane in the air. It’s true. I will it to happen. I’m sorry, I don’t know how they stay airborne without me on the plane, perhaps it’s luck. But, when I am on the plane, I keep it in the air. If we are having too much turbulence, or if something doesn’t seem “right,” I will the plane to stay in the air.

I know that I am not the only one responsible; so, I can’t take all the credit. I have noticed passengers sitting on the plane in a trance-like state, eyes closed, vibrating with concentration, keeping the plane airborne. But, nonetheless, you’re welcome. You can also thank me for the nice weather when I’m in town, the train coming soon when I arrive on the platform, and green lights when I’m in the car. You’re welcome…I’m just being the gift that I am.
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Ok, I have to take a moment to tell a story within a story (God, am I “schizo” or what today…). If you haven’t seen the new “reality” show “Hey Paula” on Bravo, check it out. It features Paula Abdul, and it’s right up there with “Being Bobby Brown” also from the Bravo Network. Paula actually said something along the lines of “people should thank me for the gift that I am.” Talk about narcissism… And, so now, of course, it’s my new favorite catch phrase.
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Where, was I? Oh, yes…the gift that I am. You’re welcome.

I realize some people may argue that it’s actually physics keeping the plane aloft. But, I’m not so convinced. I mean just look at my record: 7 years of flying (as a flight attendant, anyway) and I’ve managed to keep the plane up every time. I think the proof is in the pudding.

Now, if I could only make money appear into my checking account I would be set…

Here’s my best “Hiro” impression…