Category Archives: TV

The Wide-Eye Squint

Posted on January 19, 2008 | 3 comments

Several years ago my friend Jaclyn and I were on TV. It was super exciting. We were roommates at the time, making a routine trip to the store. The camera crew was waiting for us outside with the news reporter pointing a mic in our faces demanding we answer his questions. Once we found our mark and the lighting “sweet spot,” we each began to share our New Year’s resolutions. Being blinded by the fame and glory that surely awaited me once it aired, I don’t fully remember what I said. I think it was something totally cute and adorable, yet important enough to make people question their own resolutions. Jaclyn told the world that she didn’t really make New Year’s resolutions.

I happen to think that I am totally photogenic. The camera loves me. It’s a problem really. Perhaps, a curse. Anytime someone points a camera in my face, I pose. “It’s like a gift from God, or something.” (Thank you, Drop Dead Gorgeous) It just always feels like I should turn my head slightly and pucker just a little. Or perhaps, give the wide-eye squint that I learned from Tyra Banks (ANTM). And, you know, sometimes I should give the camera my right side, it really is my better side. Ok, I am totally obsessed with modeling. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t actually think that I could or should be a model. I find it totally amusing. I’m just fascinated by the whole modeling world.

Perhaps, it’s the fact that none of it is real or attainable. I mean, seriously, normal people don’t look like models. And who decided that a morbidly thin girl with impossibly high cheek bones and sunken eyes was the epitome of sexy? Maybe, being part of the misfit clique in high school made me the way I am. It would be interesting to see if any of my misfit friends enjoy making fun of the modeling world the same way I do. There is just an arrogance about it that is totally hilarious to me. So, I make fun of it.

Some of my favorite movies and TV shows are based on this subject. Take, for instance, Zoolander. “Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?” It’s one of those movies that I could just keep quoting forever. And then, there is America’s Next Top Model or ANTM, as it’s fans refer to it. It’s funny to me to listen to the judges critique the contestants. It really embraces everything that I find funny about the modeling world. But, my latest obsession is Make Me A SuperModel. There is just something ultra-satisfying about watching pretty people fight over who is the prettiest.

However, the real gem for me this winter has been Crowned: The Mother of All Pageants. This reality TV show/mother-daughter beauty pageant/cat-fight contest has provided me with such laugh out loud moments of glee. I owe it big time for all of the material it’s given me. It puts me in my happy place. But, now I have completely digressed.

Oh crap. This post was going to be about New Year’s Resolutions. I was going to segue from my TV moment into my resolutions for this year. Fuck that. Oh yeah, I wasn’t gonna say fuck so much this year. Oh well, maybe next year.

How do you like my wide-eye squint?

Now, just a tilt…

Ok, now that’s too much…

…looks like my face is about to implode. I totally just cracked myself up with this
“photo shoot.” I seriously need to be on medication.

3 Comments

Posted in Humor, Movies, Pictures, Pop-Culture, TV

I’m a victim.

Posted on November 11, 2007 | 1 comment

I’m a victim. Yeah, yeah…I know everyone thinks that they are a victim. But, seriously, I am a victim. Jesus. There, I said it. I feel soooo much better. Wait…actually, now that I said it, it doesn’t sound quite right–I am a survivor. There. I like that much better.

I am a youth choir survivor. This may not initially sound like a big deal, but, it is. You know, youth choirs…think cheesy music and choreography. Sort of like Up With People, just not as “polished.” My first (that’s right, there was more than one!) choir was called Harmony, Inc. It was a youth choir that got together for a month every summer to rehearse and tour and evangelize the vastly pagan area of our country called the Midwest. Of course, we had thousands of converts. 😉

It was during one of these tours that I met a brassy soprano named Laura. Laura was everything a young gay boy could hope for in a “girlfriend.” She was big, both in size and personality. She styled her overly-curled blonde hair so that the back of her hair was hanging over her forehead. She was sort of like an early 80s version of Madonna, only on steroids. Clearly from the moment we met, we were destined to be together. In many ways, she was one of the most bizarre looking people I had ever seen. Laura was a misfit–truly, one of my peeps. So, of course, we instantly hit it off. Most important to this story, however, Laura was a drama queen. Literally. She was the president of her Thespian troupe. So, it is no surprise that our whirlwind relationship had all the workings of a Shakespearean tragedy. Our love was not to be…

Following a particularly emotional choir rehearsal, she approached me and said, “We’ve lost our spark.”

“Huh?” (I was like totally articulate in high school)

“You know, when we first met, there was a spark between the two of us…well, it’s gone.”

“Are we breaking up?”

“Let’s just be friends.”

It was at this point that I first mastered the fine art of holding a grudge. I also learned how to so completely ignore someone that it caused them acute pain. At least, in my head, that was the case. I continue, to this day, to excel at both of these skills.

If Laura wanted to “just be friends,” I would kill her with my glares or lack thereof. I’d teach her a real life lesson: Don’t mess with a confused gay teenage boy. I have a feeling I wasn’t the only one to teach her that lesson. Somehow, I managed to survive the following weeks by pouring my angst into the music. I could force the tears out at the height of a song. Unfortunately, so could my ex-girlfriend. It became a weeping contest. All would see that I was truly a spiritual person who had been through a lot–more than Laura. It all was really great drama. At least, until the director approached us after one of our concerts and asked if we could “control our emotions” just a little bit. How embarrassing for him–trying to stifle our pain. I’d direct my venom at him.

That would free me from being mad at Laura. We bonded over our hatred of the choir director. Of course, we became best friends.

1 Comment

Posted in Gay, Humor, My Life, The Early Years, TV

The Fall TV Line-Up

Posted on October 1, 2007 | 1 comment

Ahhhh, after a summer filled with too many reality TV shows, finally, the fall TV line-up is here! And, I just gotta say, I am giddy with glee. Although, once again, I am confronted with my addiction. (Check out My Latest Addiction)

It is very exciting. And, since Jeff and I don’t watch anything live anymore, we have to negotiate our TV schedule. We have to decide what things we are going to watch together and what things we’ll watch alone. And, since my DVR only can record two things at once, sometimes we have to prioritize what we want to watch. Hopefully, there is time left in the weekend for things like meals and friends.

Perhaps a warning sign that we are consumed with television can be found in the fact that we talk so much about TV when we aren’t watching it. Last night, after watching the season premiere of Heroes, Jeff and I got into a discussion about the super powers we would like to have. While Jeff opted for the cheerleader’s ability to heal herself, I opted for a more dangerous one. I would kill people with my “winning smile.” It’s not that I would want to kill people. God no. You see, I can’t control it. I flash my pearly whites at people, and whammo…they’re dead. I’ll have to learn how to channel it. Maybe just toward evil people…

Ok, now, I know that I probably shouldn’t watch Dexter. Although, maybe that’s why Jeff chose to have the ability to heal himself, since, his boyfriend would kill him every time he smiles at him. This whole “look” thing may stem from my newest love, America’s Next Top Model. Let me tell you, if anyone can kill you with a smile or a “look,” it would be those girls. There is some serious venom flying around that show. This season they are “going green” and the girls are not allowed to smoke; so, all I have to say is…bitch alert. It’s gonna be good.

With all this drama, it’s a good thing that I watch 30 Rock and The Office to even me out. Jeff doesn’t really care for those shows, or maybe he just realizes that it is not feasible to watch 17 hours of television in a week. So, those are my onion peeling shows. When I get home from a trip I need to peel off the layers that I’ve put around me, sort of like an onion. So, I watch those shows to help me soften up before I see Jeff.

After writing this, I am amazed that I could center an entire article on the TV shows that I watch. The sad thing is that I didn’t even mention them all. But, I need to end this, because, I need to go get my fix. It’s been over an hour since I last watched TV, I’m sorry I gotta go…

1 Comment

Posted in Humor, Pop-Culture, TV

The Unsung Hero…

Posted on September 14, 2007 | 2 comments

I am so thankful for Britney Spears. There. I said it. I don’t know what I would do without her. Just when I thought that things were getting just a little boring in the world of pop culture, Britney saved the day by giving one of the worst “live” lip sync performances ever. I would have loved to have posted the video, but, there are all kinds of copyright issues right now. One of the only places I think that you can still see it is on MTV.com. Click on the link and wait through the advertisement. Jeff and I watched it last night and I’ve recreated my expression to the right (yes, I am sporting a new do!).

Not only does she not even attempt to make the lip-syncing look “real,” but she also seems a little unstable on her feet. My favorite part is when the camera pans to the celebs in the audience. There is this look of “oh shit, is this for real?” on their faces. Oh, yes indeed, my friends, it is for “real.” The song itself isn’t horrible. Britney is at least smart enough to hire people that can make her tracks sound decent. Once again, though, she has proved that you don’t need talent to be famous. I actually take that back. Britney does have two large “talents” in front and one “talent” a little lower that she likes to show off, especially while getting out of cars.

Speaking of being famous with no talent, you should check out Chris Crocker’s “leave Britney alone” video on Youtube. She is the self-proclaimed “Queen of Complaining.”
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Here’s how I looked when the video started…

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This was my look when the video finished…

All I have to say to that is this: I love video blogging. This video post is from the “famous” Chris Crocker. Chris was on the Jimmy Kimmel show last night via iChat and is famous only for her ranting video posts. I don’t know, she seems just a little “unstable” to me. But, I have to admit, I did laugh. I should also mention that Ms. Crocker is actually Mr. Crocker, but since he seems oblivious to that fact, I will respect that and call him Miss. If you go to youtube.com you will be able to see her many posts including one on PMS, which is most enlightening.

I’ll say it again. I love video blogging. It brings out the crazy in everyone–including myself. For a better example, please view my post Meet My Chirren. I, too, have my unstable moments. Nobody is perfect. My mama raised me right, though. You save those unstable moments for your loved ones to experience, and then you blog about it later.

2 Comments

Posted in Humor, Music, Pictures, Pop-Culture, TV

Everybody Loves a Nice Montage

Posted on July 23, 2007 | Leave a comment

mon·tage (mon-täzh) n.

1.a. A single pictorial composition made by juxtaposing or superimposing many pictures or designs.
b. The art or process of making such a composition.

2.a. A relatively rapid succession of different shots in a movie.
b. The juxtaposition of such successive shots as a cinematic technique.

3. A composite of closely juxtaposed elements: a montage of voices on an audiotape.

tr.v. mon·taged, mon·tag·ing, mon·tag·es
To use or incorporate in a montage.

t[French, from monter, to mount, from Old French; see mount1.]
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2003. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

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I love montages. You know…the piecing together of clips in a movie or on a tv show with a nice music underlay. They do this to advance the story without actually having to write all that dialogue. For example, if film editors want to show the time period between someone’s childhood and adulthood, they can just turn it into a montage by showing the defining moments that might have happened during that period. What makes a montage really great is the use of slow-motion and a nice ballad.

I think that I mostly enjoy the cheesy drama associated with a montage. More than once, I have been listening to a great song and thought, “This would be perfect for my montage!” Oh yes, that’s right, I have been creating my a personal montage of my life…in my head. I might possibly use Mariah Carey’s “Hero” or, possibly Coldplay’s “Fix You.” It would be complete with a shot of me showing my “prize” heifer at the Marion County Fair; followed by a nice clip of me in my basement, rollerskating to “Rosanna” with a broom in my hand; a couple clips of me singing; serving some drinks on the airplane with a smile and a wink; and maybe a nice slow-mo of me running on the beach with the wind blowing through my hair… OK, that last one has never actually happened, but, still I think that it would make a nice addition to my montage.

And who doesn’t enjoy a nice stroll down memory lane, with the Golden Girls’ theme song playing underneath? Thank you for being a friend… travel down the road and back again… It really is possible that I have too much time on my hands. All I know is that when I reflect on the past, I can’t help it. It turns into a montage…music and all.

I thought that I would include a couple of examples. One not so serious, and another serious. Enjoy the amazingly wonderful world of the montage…
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This first montage is from “South Park.” It’s a parody of sport montages. You know, clips of the athlete training, etc. The best part is that “they” always use a nice 80’s song, like, “Eye of the Tiger” or something similar. This is probably the funniest montages I’ve seen…

This second montage is a serious one. It is from the series finale of “Six Feet Under.” They use Sia’s “Breathe Me” for the music and it’s very well done. It is the last thing you see in the show; and, they use it show how each of the show’s characters’ lives play out…