Category Archives: Rants

The Real Wedding Singer

Posted on December 18, 2007 | 1 comment

Jeff and I were watching TV this weekend and happened to surf past The Wedding Singer, starring Adam Sandler (Robbie Hart) and Drew Barrymore (Julia Sullivan). Oh, that takes me back. You remember the movie, right? You know…Adam Sandler plays a washed up wedding singer whose fiancé walks out on him at the altar. Drew Barrymore plays a catering server who ends up falling for Adam’s character, and dumps her fiancé (whose last name is Gulia, which would have made her name Julia Gulia).

Needless to say, unless you like hearing Adam Sandler doing 80’s covers, this movie itself is washed up. So, we kept on surfing. But, of course, that movie always reminds me of my college days. Not because it was set in the 80’s, but because I was a real wedding singer back in the 90s.

I never did it for a living, though. I was kind of like the girl who is always the bridesmaid and never the bride. I have sang in more weddings than I care to remember. And, I have to admit it straight away…I hate weddings! Here’s why…

I think they are ridiculous. Not in a “oh, bless her heart…can you believe she wants that in her wedding…” type of way, but in a “these people ain’t right” type of way. Seriously, I know what I’m talking about here–these people ain’t right. One of the bonuses of being the wedding singer/musician (sometimes I just had to play the piano) was that I got an up close view of how horrible everything really was, but I didn’t have to actually stand up with the wedding party and pretend to like it. You have to know what I am talking about here–think bridesmaid dresses, gaudy flowers, etc. etc. I got to sit over in the corner and crack jokes or just shake my head in disbelief.

The number one reason that I hate weddings is clear. I can’t deal with the entitlement that goes along with it. It’s this attitude that says, “This is my day! I deserve to get whatever I want!” Ugh. I totally grossed myself out just typing it. I’ve actually seen brides throw temper-tantrums.

The second reason is that because they are entitled, they will put anything that they want in their wedding. And this is where I was always personally affected. If I ever sing at another wedding, there are several things that I swear on my severely sprained ankle that I won’t sing…The Wedding Song (There is Love). No way. No more Peter, Paul and Mary songs! Also, no more Everything I Do (I Do It for You). And, definitely, positively no more Chicago songs. You know…You’re the Inspiration. I just have to put my foot down. Ouch!

Most of the people’s weddings that I sang in were friends, so, I have probably just offended them all. Oh well, they need to know these things for their second or third weddings. Which brings me to the third reason I hate weddings. Freebies. Now, keep in mind, most of these weddings happened prior to my career as a flight attendant. I had to pay to fly everywhere. And, people just love to have their special day at locations that could not be possibly more inconvenient. I actually “opted” out of going to my sister’s and my brother’s weddings because they were too far removed–i.e. waaaaay too expensive to fly to.

But, as for my “friends,” I cannot tell you all of the outrageous things that were expected of me pro bono. I actually had one “friend” in college get mad at me because I told him I couldn’t afford to pay the $600 for the airfare to come and sing at his wedding (for free). The most common thing that people would ask me to do for free is what I call “filler.” Basically it went like this: they would discover at the last minute that their poorly planned wedding had gaps in it. Oh yeah, why don’t we just have the pianist play something there. “Oh, pianist, can you just play a little something while we wait for the bride to get ready?” That’s why I always came to weddings with loads of piano books. Better to be prepared.

Weddings bring out people’s true character. In mothers who may normally appear to be sweet and harmless you see the inner control freak. In fathers who may normally appear to be dominant and controlling you see that they really just don’t give a shit. And, in brides who may normally appear to be totally in love with the groom, you see that they are much more in love with the wedding than with him.

Wow, I just let out some seriously pent-up feelings about this subject. I feel much better now.

I can’t end a blog post about weddings without at least telling my funniest wedding experience. First, I fully support gay marriage. I fully believe that we should have the right to marry whomever and however we want. That doesn’t mean that I actually want to have a wedding ceremony. Especially, after I went to my first gay wedding.

It was several years ago. The grooms decided to incorporate a plethora of cultural practices into their ceremony, in order to honor the diversity of their beliefs, I guess. So, it started with both of the grooms being carried in by the wedding party while the entire congregation repeatedly sang a song entitled He Carried Me. Subtle, I know. At another point the grooms sprinkled rose petals over the entire congregation. This was followed by one of the grooms playing You Are My Sunshine on his violin. And, the highlight was when the grooms got dressed up as pink bunny rabbits for the congregation. I shit you not.

Some people just ain’t right.

1 Comment

Posted in Gay, Humor, Movies, My Life, Rants, The College Years

Amongst the Masses

Posted on December 10, 2007 | 22 comments

Jeff and I went to Montana to visit his family. It was a great trip, and I will share more about that later. But, first things first. I have a theory about travel. And, here it is…if those who work with the flying public would actually fly once in a while, they would have a much better perspective and would treat the flying public differently.

Jeff and I usually buy tickets when we travel. Now, realize that, being a flight attendant, I could fly for free–even on carriers other than my own. It’s just that I hate to non-rev. That’s the term airline folks use when they use their flying benefits to fly for free. It’s not that I don’t like things that are for free, I do. It’s that Jeff has to buy a ticket since he doesn’t work for an airline. And, I really hate the stress of trying to get where we’re going at the same time by flying stand-by. Who wants to be sitting in an airport waiting for flight after flight, while your partner is already at your destination?

You see, amazingly, for someone who flies for a living, I am a horrible flier. Oh, I could manage through it, if I were traveling alone or with another flight attendant. But, I don’t like the stress of it…especially when I am on vacation. So…I buy a ticket and travel like everyone else. And, after doing this several times, I am convinced that every airline employee should do this once in a while. Here’s why: Airline employees need to know what the passengers go through.

Here’s my “airport experience” as a flight attendant…

A pre-arranged van picks me up from the hotel an hour before the scheduled departure time. I am dropped off at the curb and walk directly to the front of the security line, bypassing everyone. I am allowed to leave my belt and shoes on and I am not restricted by liquid bans or number of carry-on rules. I show up to the airplane before anyone gets on it and take my time getting settled before any passengers board. At the end of my day, I gather my belongings and walk straight to the hotel van. Someone loads my luggage into the back for me and I am off.

I am not saying that there are no stresses for me at work. I do have to deal with passengers who are difficult. I am bound to the plane often for 10+ hours. And, if there are delays or other circumstances, I’m right there with everyone else. But, from traveling among hoi polloi, here is what I have learned:

The “airport experience” of the masses…

Expecting long line-waits, I had to arrive at the airport at least two hours before my departure. I wait in my first line for the ticket counter. I check my bags, say a prayer that they’ll make it to my final destination and move on to the security line. I wander through the snake-shaped line, pausing for flight crews and passengers with special needs to squeeze in front. Finally, at the front of the line, I have to take off my jacket, my belt, and my shoes. My bag, which has no liquids, is chosen for further screening. I watch without touching, the agent ruin my careful packing job. I am left with my belongings in a pile, half-disrobed, and a TSA agent pushing me to “move on.” I finally get myself re-organized and head to the gate and wait some more. I finally start to board the plane and wait in line again.

Now, the fun begins. I am 6’2″ and sitting in a middle seat for two hours. It’s not exactly comfortable. But, I’m fine. It’s only a two hour flight. At least, I’m not flying international. I arrive at my first destination and have a connection. So, I have to go through the boarding process again, followed by another crammed flight on an even smaller plane. Once I arrive at my final destination, I then deplane and wait again for my luggage, hoping that it made it all the way.

The amazing thing is that this scenario doesn’t even involve any delays or cancellations or actually any of the really extreme situations which can happen on a trip. My point is that flying is not fun. There is no question about that. Even in writing this out, I empathize with the flying public. It’s interesting to me that while I am at work, I usually think that people should be better mannered. But, honestly, now, I think that most people are just doing the best they can with a rather unpleasant experience.

And, I know as a passenger and a airline employee, it is just nice to know that someone understands and cares.

22 Comments

Posted in Flight Attendant, Food for Thought, Rants

Shhhh.

Posted on October 13, 2007 | 2 comments

So, first an update. I probably am going to have to give up the battle of the smoker. There are just too many of them. Seriously, every time I walk by that laundry mat, there is someone smoking at the front door. In fact, yesterday when I was walking by there was even someone smoking inside the laundry mat. None of the other places in my neighborhood have this problem. I suppose I can win this fight by just going someplace else. It’s just so close…(If you have no idea what I am talking about, read my blog post entitled Taking a stand one pair of undies at a time….)

I’ve been thinking a lot about rights this week. Mostly, why is no one concerned with mine? Maybe it’s because Governor Schwarzenegger vetoed a California gay-marriage bill for the second time this past week. Or, because a co-worker “shhhed” me at work when I was talking about my boyfriend Jeff. But, I’ll get to that in a second.

I admit, I am clearly too sensitive about this. I can’t help it. All my life, I have been a chronic people pleaser. My problem is serious. It really is the battle of my life. I’m winning this battle on small fronts, but, I will probably always struggle with this. For God’s sake (pun intended), I put myself through 6 years of Bible college and denied my sexuality for this reason! I wanted to make my parents happy, my church happy, God happy. And, I thought that if I could make them happy then maybe I would have a chance at being happy. It’s clear that I was wrong. I got the order wrong. I should have been first on that list. Perhaps, I should have been the only one on that list.

Damn. I can really get stuck on an issue, can’t I? My point is this, I spend waaaaaaay too much time worrying about how loud I am on my cell phone, the volume of my TV at night, am I disturbing anyone, etc. etc. etc. etc… It’s the struggle of the people pleaser. I don’t really want to become a selfish, narcissistic prick either. That’s not my goal. But, somewhere there lies a balance. It starts with me taking small stands for myself.

So, back to the work incident. Some background first…flight attendants do lots of talking. Too much, actually. They talk about the passengers. They talk about other flight attendants. They talk about the latest US Weekly. And, mostly, they talk incessantly about themselves. Being the chronic people pleaser that I am, I usually end up listening. And listening. And listening. You get the idea. So, when someone actually asks me anything about me, I jump on the opportunity. Last week my co-worker asked me if I was in a relationship.

Delighted to be asked, I responded, “Yes, I have a boyfriend. His name is Jeff. He’s a food stylist.”

My straight male co-worker said, “Oh, cool, do you live together?”

Amazed at his interest I answered, “Nope. But, he lives nearby…we spend a lot of time at my place of the weekends, though.”

“Shhhhh.” The straight guy said, “Prying ears are listening.”

“Excuse me?”

“Shhhhh.” He points and uses the international sign for me to be quiet.

Now, mind you, at this point in the flight I have already listened to him talk directly in front of passengers about his wife, her job, their arguments, the amount of sleep she usually gets, the amount of sex he usually gets, etc. etc. etc. etc. I was tucked away in the corner of the galley and not talking very loudly about anything racy at all.

So, told him, “Listen, you asked. And, I have every right to talk about my boyfriend Jeff. I have nothing to be ashamed of…”

To which, he turned and walked away. It’s just your typical “straight” male flight attendant arrogance–constantly trying to de-gayify the job. They usually feel that they have a lot to prove, working in a field dominated by women and gay men. They overcompensate.

I’m proud of myself, though. I’ve worked hard at not feeling shame for being gay. Especially, since it is a feeling mostly placed on me by others who are not comfortable with my sexual orientation. It’s interesting to me that he felt no embarrassment in trying to hush me. He just wanted me to feel shame in talking about the most important person in my life. It’s obvious where the real shame here lies.

2 Comments

Posted in Flight Attendant, Food for Thought, Gay, Rants

Taking a stand one pair of undies at a time…

Posted on October 8, 2007 | 1 comment

I’ve experienced my first laundry rage incident. And, I will wear it like a badge of honor.

It’s been coming, this laundry rage. You can only pay $5 to wash and dry 1 load of laundry for so long until it finally gets to you. Not to mention all of the schlepping. (refer to That Damn Crack) You really have to play well with others–you know: share your space, clean up after yourself, don’t take too long. After years and years of going to the laundry mat, it finally happened. I snapped.

Here’s how it went down. The laundry mat across from my house burned down about a year and a half ago. Finally, this week it reopened…shiny, clean, and new. I was folding my laundry at the table closest to the front door when someone committed the biggest laundry etiquette faux pas one can make. They were smoking at the front door. Mind you, the irony of someone smoking at the front door during the grand re-opening of a laundry mat that had burned down was not lost on me. But, had the doors not been open, and had the smoke not been pouring right in on my clothes, I probably would not have been affected at all.

But, this was not the case. This guy was just plain inconsiderate. My mantra in life is be kind, be generous, be honest. I figured that I needed to be honest with this guy. And, at first, I tried to be kind. And, I suppose that I was being generous, because, I didn’t say anything during his first cigarette. So, I focused on being honest.

I walked up to him and and asked him, “If you are going to smoke, would you please move away from the door?”

The Asshole responded, “Ohhhhhh, is my smoke boooooothering you?”

So, I said, “Uh, actually, yes. I don’t want my clothes to smell like smoke.”

The Asshole countered, “You should go fold them somewhere else.”

I turned around and ignored him. At least I tried, right? At this point the Asshole (I don’t know his name, so I call him The Asshole) grabbed his chair and slammed it down on the other side of the entrance, his smoke still pouring inside the front door. This is when my life mantra fully went out the window and I just acted. Pure instinct. I marched back outside and shouted at him, “You could at least try to be considerate.”

He laughed.

Despite years of rehearsing proper cussing techniques (check out @$%#!) my best retort was, “Fuck you.”

He threw his cigarette on the ground, which, mind you, is also a laundry mat etiquette faux pas, and went back to doing this laundry. But, hey, at least the smoking stopped. Of course, I did have to fold the rest of my clothes while they stood on the opposite side of the laundry mat and mocked me. But, I honestly didn’t care. I just stood there and smiled. After years of allowing people to walk all over me and my laundry, I finally took a stand. And, it worked! At least for a short while.

Five minutes later, just as I was finishing up, another guy went right outside the door and lit up. Be kind, be generous, be honest. Be kind, be generous, be honest…

1 Comment

Posted in Food for Thought, Rants

2 Ways to Deal With 1 Problem

Posted on August 21, 2007 | 1 comment

For those of you who have been following along on my blogging journey, you may remember that I wrote an entry entitled, “A Serious Problem.” It was a humorous look at cell phones and voice mail. Due to the gravity of the serious cell phone problem in the world, I have decided to write more. (I am just guessing; but, I think you will probably see even more of these to come…I’m on a crusade.)

Jeff and I went to see The Invasion this weekend, starring Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig. It was the latest in a growing list of movie remakes of The Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Not bad. Not great. It was so-so. I mostly went because I enjoy sci-fi, and was in the mood for a movie. It proved to be enjoyable. But, not because the movie was awesome.

About ten minutes into the movie, the guy directly in front of me started texting on his iPhone. After about 3 seconds of thinking, “ooooh…an iPhone,” I started to get annoyed. It was such a distraction. In the dark theater, it was like someone was shining a light in my face while I was–believe it or not–trying to watch the movie. In my typically passive manner, I pointed him out to Jeff. I really just wanted to complain about it. Jeff, however, leans forward and kindly asks this guy to stop. After shooting Jeff a scandalous glance, he turned off his phone for the rest of the movie. I was amazed. First, chivalry is not dead. (Thanks, honey) Second, I couldn’t believe that is all it took for this guy to stop being rude.

Now, back to the movie. Here’s a synopsis and a spoiler. The movie starts off with the space shuttle disintegrating upon re-entry into Earth’s atmosphere. The pieces end up scattered across the U.S. Well, evidently there are some mysterious spores attached to the remains of the shuttle. These spores, once inside the human body, alter the person’s DNA and cause the person to be void of emotion, feeling, etc. Slowly, but surely, this “virus” spreads across the country, giving everyone a zombie-esque manner. Blah, blah, blah…I’ll skip to the moral of the story. Without emotion or feeling, there is no rage or hate or even reason for war, or any kind of conflict in general. So, the question is raised: are we better off being fully human (full of hate and rage) or are we better off in this new state of being…in peace? They don’t really answer the question; they just want you to think.

Welllll, at the end of the movie, I hear yelling in the back of the theater. Evidently, a woman was texting throughout the entire movie. The guy behind her got sick of it after an hour and a half and decided to kick the back of her chair on his way out. I’m thinking…finally, now for the real entertainment! Security was called, so, Jeff and I left. Jeff brought up an interesting point about people having ADD. They can’t just watch the movie. They also have to text, talk on their phone, etc. In his words, “why would you pay $10 to come play on your phone?” Good point.

Immediately, I was in awe that this was going on after this movie. These people totally missed the point to the whole movie, which was due to the fact that they were paying more attention to the phone. Not only that, but also, they put a perfect exclamation mark at the end of the movie. I was proud of Jeff for choosing to ask the guy in front of us to turn his cell off. I think it was better way to deal with the issue.

Isn’t it amazing that devices that are intended to help us communicate and connect to others, can actually do the opposite? Instead of connecting and communicating with the world around us we are pulled into this tunnel were no one else matters. I believe that the cell phone and the MP3 player are GREAT inventions. I love mine. But, there is a time a place for everything. We as a society need to learn this lesson. Otherwise the body snatchers might come…

1 Comment

Posted in Food for Thought, Movies, Rants