Category Archives: Humor

It has been a crazy week. I flew 5 days in a row, which really is too much. It’s too much exposure to the flyin’ public. And, that can make me a little crazy. At the height of my week, I was standing in the jetbridge waiting for the passengers to deplane when this woman walks off the plane. She takes a couple steps forward, then a couple steps back. She does this several times as a look of confusion is plastered on her face. Then she says out loud, “Oh yeah, I didn’t bring the kids with me on this trip.” Oh, people.

This reminds me of another crazy lady named Phyllis. Phyllis is one of my co-workers who I really have no idea how or why she is a flight attendant. I think is has something to do with her driving her husband crazy and he wanting her out of the house…

When I was first hired 5 years ago, I was still living in Phoenix. And, my crew base was in Oakland. So, I had to commute to Oakland from Phoenix in order to start all of my trips. Because, I was new and needed to spend a lot of time in the bay area waiting for my trips, I had to get a “crash pad.” A crash pad is an apartment that 10-15 flight attendants will share and use only when they are in town in order to keep the costs down. There is usually one person who will sign the lease and keep everything “in order.”

This is where Phyllis comes into the picture. Phyllis ran the crash pad. And, here is why she is crazy…if she wasn’t crazy, then she would have been able to hide her strange behaviors. I think that “the crazies” don’t even know that their actions are weird.

Here is a classic conversation with Phyllis:

Day one in the crash pad–I am minding my own business, getting ready for work at the crash pad. I had taken a shower and was finishing getting ready. Phyllis approaches me with the strainer from the shower. It is full of black hairs.

Phyllis-“Ummm, yeah, here at the crash pad we clean out the strainer after we shower.”

Me-“Phyllis, those aren’t my hairs…they’re black.”

Phyllis-“Ummm, yeah, they could be pubic.”

Me-(holding my arms outward to show her)”Phyllis, the carpet matches the drapes, I’m sorry, but, those aren’t my hairs…”

Phyllis-“Ummm, yeah…..”

Me-(I walk away still unaware of her truly crazy status)

Phyllis only eats live or raw food. Consequently, she spends a lot of time in the bathroom. It was never a pretty picture. I know this is true because my friend Kimmy accepted some of Phyllis’ “special green tea” one day. Let’s just say that Kimmy had a miserable 3 days. I don’t like she felt healthier, which is what the crazy lady said would happen if you ate like she ate.

The crazy lady liked to criticize everything that anyone else ate. She almost always started out by saying, “You guys.” Followed by, “you shouldn’t eat that stuff, it is full of all kinds of awful things…” Of course, she was referring to my vegetable stir fry that I bought from Trader Joe’s. Fairly healthy, from my perspective. Let’s not even talk about what would happen if we brought in fast food.

I may have been more prone to accepting her food advice if she didn’t spend hours in the bathroom; or, if she didn’t continuously have a strange green hue to her skin.

Of course, there are many more “Phyllis” stories to be told. Like the time she accused two of the girls of crawling through the back window of the apartment late one night… Or like the many times she would bring her 80 year old snoring husband Sid to stay at the “crash pad” with her…

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This post is dedicated to the many people who have survived Phyllis’ crash pad…especially my friends Nicholas and Kimmy, who were right there with me and have many of their own “crazy lady” stories…

Ok, so I just got home from work and boy, are my wings tired. It was such a hard trip (i.e.–3 hours on the tarmac with a plane full of LA passengers, waiting to take off on a 5 1/2 hour flight…do the math.) Once we got to LA, we still had to work one more flight. Whew. Since our passengers we were picking up in LA were 3 1/2 hours late, I was fully expecting them to be irate. In reality, they were too tired to show any emotion at all. Except for Mr. Jim Bob Rowdy, who was sitting in seat 10D.

Jim Bob Rowdy loved to fly and it showed. 😉 He on numerous occasions told me how much he loved my airline, followed by a “wooo hooo!!!!” and both fists in the air. At first, I honestly was a little annoyed–as were his fellow passengers, many of whom had just spent 8 1/2 hours on the plane. But, as the saying goes, “This airline can clear out a trailer park faster than an F5 tornado!” And, it’s true. I’m not being uppidy, I’m just sayin’… And, in truth, the guy was quite amusing.

I actually love these passengers. They are my peeps. These are the people that I grew up around. There is very little pretense with them. And often times, they have never flown, and don’t really know how to act on a plane. Which can be a real hoot. If the mullet, Jeff Gordon ballcap, and cut-off shorts don’t give you something to chuckle about, it’s just a matter of time before something blog-worthy is said. And, Mr. Rowdy was no exception.

I was passing out the peanuts, and offered him some. Verbatim, here is his response, I shit you not: “Shoot…I got no teeth. I can’t eat them peanuts.” It gets more realistic if you add slight drawl. My co-flight attendant and I spent the next ten minutes in the back galley recreating the scene. And, it just got better and better. I have decided that “Shoot…I got no teeth” is my new slogan.

True to Jim Bob’s nature, on landing he stood up, fists in the air, shouting,”wooo hooo, ya’all rock…yeah!” I just love our passengers…