Category Archives: Humor

Toilet flier

Posted on May 20, 2008 | 1 comment

Flying isn’t as fun as it used to be. That is for sure. Working for an airline isn’t as glamorous as it used to be. That’s for damn sure. Now granted, I am too young to remember the “glamour” days. But, sometimes when I’m walking through the airport I like to pretend that people are staring and pointing, saying things like, “Oooo…look over there, it’s a stewardess. I wonder what kind of exciting places he’s going to.” I look over and give my best stewardess smile and a small nod, as if to say, “That’s right, I’m off to Paris…First Class.” Yeah right, my ass.

You all must know by now that I tend to have these delusional moments. It’s what gets me through the day. I actually do know what they are really thinking, and it’s something like, “Oooo…look over there, that flight attendant’s fly is down. And, he has a really dumb look on his face. What an ass, he’s probably working our flight to Reno.”

I’ve blogged plenty on both sides of the flying issue. There are two truths: 1) Airlines are messed up. 2) Passengers are messed up. It’s not exactly a win-win situation. But, I was reading an online news article that made me laugh and want to scream at the same time. Here’s the synopsis, just in case you don’t want to read the whole thing.

A full flight from San Diego to New York had a non-working flight attendant sitting on the extra jump-seat. It’s called non-reving, or jump-seating, or flying standby in airline lingo. Airline employees typically fly for free on their own airline, although sometimes they have to sit in the tiny, uncomfortable seats that the flight attendants use for take-off and landing (jump-seats). Some airlines even offer as a bonus to their employees extra “buddy passes.” These are free tickets they can give to whomever they choose. There was a passenger traveling, using a buddy pass on this particular flight. He is only allowed to sit in a passenger seat, if there is one available.

Well, evidently the non-working flight attendant who was sitting in the extra jump-seat complained after take-off that the jump-seat was uncomfortable. (surprise, surprise) The captain–who was probably dating the flight attendant–decided to have the non-employee passenger–who was traveling using the buddy pass–give up his passenger seat for the flight attendant. Nice. And then, since non-employees are not allowed to sit on jump-seats, he had the guy sit in the toilet for an hour and a half, since it was the only available seat left. The guy is now suing for two million dollars. Toilets do not have seat belts and the captain forced him to sit in a seat without a seat belt, therefore endangering him any time the seat-belt sign was on. Not to mention that airplane lavatories are on the same cleanliness level as porta potties. Eventually, he got his regular seat back. Wow.

This story disturbed me on several levels. In the airline world everything, and I do mean everything has a certain predestined order to it. The employee seniority lists, the standby passenger lists, the lines of aircraft waiting for take-off. Everything. This captain obviously decided that the employee should have a better seat than the non-employee. They both were flying for free. But, it really wasn’t his decision to make. Captains tend to think that they are in still charge of everything all the way down to who deserves a free drink. The days when captains would come out of the cockpit to deal with an unruly passenger went away with the term “stewardess.” Some refuse to let the old days go.

The fact that the captain made this poor guy give up his seat and provided the toilet as the only option is worth the two million dollars, in my opinion. If he wins I think that the captain should personally pay it, too. I guess I’m revealing my dislike of pilots, huh? Evidently, he or she was upset that the guy was reluctant to give up his seat for the flight attendant. I would be, too, especially if my only other option was to sit in an airplane lavatory. It doesn’t matter that he was traveling on a free pass. He is still a person.

Now, I have to admit that I do like some pilots. The ones I like don’t treat me differently or ignore me because I don’t have boobs. I could launch into a whole thesis on this topic, but, I probably have taken this far enough. After all I have to go to work today and my bad attitude doesn’t need any help. It’s time to put on my stewardess face. 😉

1 Comment

Posted in Current Events, Flight Attendant, Food for Thought, Humor

G-ma-speak

Posted on May 12, 2008 | 2 comments

I have written about my grandmother before. (see Social Life of My Grandma) I am fascinated by her. She’s 86. She’s sassy. She’s got a boyfriend. I want to be her when I grow up. She’s my G-ma.

One of my favorite things about G-ma is that she has her own language–or at least her own pronunciation of the English language. It’s not a “southern” thing, she lives in Iowa. It’s not an “uneducated” thing, she worked for decades in the county courthouse as a court clerk. I guess it’s just a G-ma thing. She’s old school in a trendy sort of way. She’s the real deal.

G-ma says things like, “I’m going to go to Wal-Marts and buy a digikal camera after I do the worsh.” Or, “I’ve always wanted to sit in a zacuzzi in Ha-why-ah.” Better yet, “Maybe I should take an umba-rella with me when I visit my friends in Worshington.”

Another thing I love about her is that she still has it. She told me yesterday that her doctor thinks her “real age” is 70. It made her day to find out that she had the body of a 70 year old. That means to her that she has several years of dancing left. It also makes her younger than her boyfriend who is 78.

I went home to Iowa to visit my family recently and spent a night out on the town with G-ma and her boyfriend Phil. We actually only went out for dinner at a local steak house. Phil rolled up in his mint condition 1986 Buick to pick us up. He was sporting a white shirt with the collar up and unbuttoned just a bit too far, a black leather vest, and a gold chain. His hair was slicked back and he was ready to go. I think I also detected a dousing of Old Spice. Of course, I loved him. I also loved the fact that he insisted I sit in front with G-ma and him. The car had a bench seat and held the three of us just fine with G-ma in the middle.

They took it easy (just for me) by only doing dinner. I had spent the day traveling from California and was really tired. Normally, they went out dancing at one of the various “jam sessions” held by other retirees. I couldn’t help the smile that had been on my face all night long. It was so amazing to see G-ma so active and with a gentleman such as Phil. And, they were very smoochy. At one point, later in the weekend, I came into the room to find my grandmother sitting on Phil’s lap. I think I probably giggled like a little schoolgirl. It was so cute. I want to be like that at 86.

Anyway, I thought I’d share a picture of my cute little G-ma and her stud-muffin boyfriend Phil…

2 Comments

Posted in Family, Humor, Pictures

Social Networking Wars

Posted on May 9, 2008 | Leave a comment

For all of my “social networking” friends…

She Forced Me to Do It

Posted on May 3, 2008 | 1 comment

I am really embarrassed to be doing this. I thought that I could just leave her alone, that she would slip on past without requiring any further mentioning. But, she’s done it again. This past week on American Idol, Paula Abdul commented or “judged” a performance that hadn’t happened yet. We were down to the five remaining Idols performing Neil Diamond songs. They each performed two songs. The Idols would all sing their first song without any individual judging. Then the judges were to comment on all five of the performers’ first songs at the same time, sort of a quick overview of their opinions for all five (normally, they comment after each individual’s performance).

Evidently, the change was a little too much for Paula Abdul. She started in her usual drugged-up way, lots of rambling about nothing, telling the performers that they were in “the zone” or that they had found “the pocket.” What? Anyway, she commented on Jason Castro’s first song. Fine. And then she proceeded to comment on how she felt about his second song, how it didn’t quite “do it for her” or something. Now, I usually tune out when she speaks and had to tune back in to catch what she was mumbling. The problem was that Jason Castro hadn’t sung his second song yet.

Now, it’s common knowledge that the judges listen to the dress rehearsal performances. And, so, they have often heard the songs before the LIVE! performance. So, Paula had heard the second song. Whatever. I don’t believe that Paula actually thinks about what she says, though. What’s funny to me is that after Randy reminded her that they’ve only sung the first song, she tried to play dumb. Now, watching Paula Abdul try to “play dumb” would be like watching George W. try to poke fun at someone who has poor “grammar skills.” You can’t be dumb and “play dumb.” She said, “Oh, I thought that he had already sung his second song.” Then followed with, “This is hard.”

Really? What part of telling singers–who have much better vocal skills than her–how to sing, or rather, how to find “the zone” is hard? If you remember, back toward the beginning of the season, Paula released her new ‘comeback’ single, “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow.” I found it very interesting that she didn’t even perform the song on the show. They just played the video. I guess she was trying not to “outsing” the Idol performers. That’s commendable, Paula, because that would be truly difficult, trying to “find your zone” and just be “in that pocket where you are at your best.”

I’m sorry if I come across as being a little too anti-Paula. I’m actually very pro-Paula. I seriously hope that she continues providing us with such an abundance of humorous material. I’m confident that she will. And, when she does, remember, that she forced me to do this.

——–

I thought it would be fun to review another great moment in Paula history, the infamous “Paula Abdul Drunk Interview.” Enjoy…

1 Comment

Posted in Humor, Pop-Culture, TV, Video

Free Hugs!

Posted on April 26, 2008 | 1 comment

I was just walking through the Castro and came across “The Sisters.” Their full title is The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. I’m sure if you check out their website you could find a much better explanation of who they are. But, here is my quick attempt at explaining them. They are a local group of gay men (there are other orders elsewhere, too) who dress up like flamboyant nuns and perform charitable acts of kindness.

Anyway, I was walking through the Castro and came across “The Sisters.” They were standing on a corner giving away free hugs. At first, I tried to avoid it. I tried, I really tried. But, the situation was hopeless. I got sucked into a hug-fest. Well, let me just say that nothing brightens your day like being hugged by a group of men dressed up like nuns, in full make-up, and wearing ear brassieres. If I haven’t painted a good enough picture, click on “The Sisters” in the first paragraph to visit their web page. You really should see their names and pictures in order to get what I’m talking about.

Actually, I think one of the nuns copped a feel. I could be wrong, but I swear her hands went below my waist. That shouldn’t be a surprise considering they also host an event every Easter involving nearly naked men. Oh, “The Sisters” do like their men.

My point is, it totally made my day. I couldn’t stop smiling for at least a whole block. It’s just impossible to stay in a bad mood when someone gives you a hug. So, I’m gonna give you a hug the best way I can. Just put yourself in this picture with me and consider yourself hugged…