Category Archives: Food for Thought

@$%#!

Posted on June 21, 2007 | 4 comments

My entire family lives in Iowa. Mostly around Pleasantville. And you guessed it… the name says it all! I think that still is the town of 1,500’s motto. Go Trojans! Anyway, that’s what it was 15 years ago when I left.

As much as I like to poke fun at my hometown, it is an essential part of my story. You can’t really know me until you know that I grew up on a dairy farm in rural Iowa. And, really, it explains a lot. For instance, growing up on the farm explains why I can curse like a farmer. I heard words from my frustrated, farmer father that would shock sailors.

To take this a step further, I think that farmers are much more creative in their swearing. For instance, while your average cusser might say, “You fucking bastard,” which does have a nice punch to it; a farmer would say, “You pencil-dicked fuckwad.” Much more creative. Sometimes, a situation would require simply a list of all the curse words one could think of; for instance, when a cow would step on a farmer’s foot you might hear: “Fuck, you mother-fuckin’, son of a bitchin’, bastardless, chickenshit…shithead, damn it, shitfaced cow!” I’m not sure what some of that even means. I just knew to clear the area once the cursing list started.

My mother, on the other hand, was a patriotic swearer. Her favorite phrase was, “Shit! Blessed America!” or just “Blessed America!” Me, however–I have taken to using biblical references such as: “Son of a bitch, Zaccheus, and all the Apostles, too. Damn it.” I have been known to also give Jesus Christ several various middle initials. (i.e. H. F. T.) I guess the middle initial just takes it up a notch. Which initial I give just depends on how pissed off I am.

I have always been curious about cuss words. True story. When I was about 10, I was still a cussing virgin. So, I went into the bathroom, locked the door, stared into the mirror, and said, “fuck.” Scandalous. I had essentially popped my cursing cherry. And, it was all over. I was a closeted swearer from then on. I have always been well-behaved in public. It is the other side of growing up on a farm–learning manners. But, when alone, I practiced it intensely.

I do think that I have a thorough curse word vocabulary. However, I am always interested in adding new phrases to my repertoire. I also like the funny phrases that people have created to use as alternatives. Like saying, “Shut the front door!” instead of “Shut the fuck up!”

So, if you haven’t been too offended to read this far and are willing to share some of your most creative phrases… fuck it…let’s hear ’em. Come on, I know you want to share…leave a comment. Let’s see who has the most creative cursing vocabulary!

4 Comments

Posted in Family, Food for Thought, Humor, My Life, The Early Years

The Social Life of my Grandma

Posted on June 14, 2007 | 2 comments

I adore my grandmother. (G-ma, as I call her) I really do. She was a huge influence on me while I was growing up. Strike that. She still is a huge influence on me. Because frankly, she has taught me that I still am growing up.

This is probably my favorite thing about G-ma. She doesn’t subscribe to the notion that one is growing until they reach the top of “the hill,” and then they preceed to start dying for the remaining 40+ years of their life. She always lives her life like she hasn’t reached the pinnicle yet.

Now, to paint a better picture of G-ma, I should mention that she isn’t one for sitting around her house waiting for her family to stop by so that she can impart her wisdom. No. She imparts her wisdom by living her life. After her first husband (my grandpa) died, she kept living. She went to hockey games with her friends. She took trips to Mexico with her friends. She just kept enjoying life. And, she was open to another relationship–even after 40+ years of marriage to the same man. When her second husband of 10 years passed away, she still believed that life wasn’t over just yet. She is currently dating another wonderful man.

I went down to South Texas last December to visit her where she stays for the winter. And let me just say, I was amazed by what I experienced. These people (mostly 60+) were living just like a bunch of 20 year olds. It was truly incredible. For the four days I was there, I went to 4 “jam sessions” where they “hang out” and dance and sing and eat and “goof off.” Yes, 80 year olds goofing off. I also went about town meeting all of G-ma’s friends. We ate. We shopped. We ate. We shopped. I was totally and completely worn out. Yet, it was a life-changing time for me.

I realized that life is not over ’til it’s over. A lot of things can go wrong in life. You can achieve your goals. You can survive your losses. But, most importantly you can choose to keep existing or you can choose to keep living. G-ma’s choice is clear.

I want to be just like G-ma when I get to my eighties. Well, with one qualification. I probably won’t wear any cute matching denim outfits set off by a nice shade of lipstick and a dark brown perm. But, then again, I just might.

2 Comments

Posted in Family, Food for Thought, Humor

I’m done with it.

Posted on June 8, 2007 | 2 comments

I like how my friend “Juan” puts it. There’s a reason you get sick. Some negative energy or stress in your life is rearing its ugly head. This makes you sick. Or, better, when you are stressed, your body is busy dealing with that. Your defenses are down. And, you get sick. And believe me I am sick. I’ll spare you the gory details of my sinus and ear infection…it’s not pretty. But, it got me thinking about how I have always done this. I always get sick when I get stressed.

Normally, I have this natural tension valve that automatically shuts off at the first sign of too much stress. I just quit. Stop working. My college roommate Chris knows exactly what I am talking about. He loves to tell stories about how we would both be working on “important” papers; and, at about 11:00 pm the night before it was due I would be in bed with the paper done…or not. Actually, as he puts it, I would start to yawn and stretch and whine and end up asleep in bed while he stayed up until 5:00 am finishing his paper. I cannot tell you how many papers never were finished because of this tension shut-off valve. It’s a miracle I ever graduated from college. And, I’m not sure who’s more amazed…me or Chris.

I’ve already told the story of how, when I was in 1st grade, I just froze and “shut off” when the stress of writing my letter to Santa got to be too much. (read “I’m Special”) But, another time comes to mind. When I was a kid, I was dragged to every sporting event in Pleasantville, Iowa. And, believe it or not there was a time when I actually “played” in sports. In third grade, I was signed up for little league baseball. It lasted… until the stress of playing got to be too much. I think somewhere in the Clark family photo archives there is probably a picture of me sitting in the outfield picking dandelions right below a sign that read “Winners Never Quit and Quitters Never Win!!!” Obviously, the sign had no affect on me whatsoever. Clearly, baseball was just too stressful.

Two years later I walked off the court in the middle of a little league basketball game because the coaches wanted to play “shirts vs. skins.” This meant I would have to take off my shirt. And, this definitely qualified as a too much stress moment. That was it, no more little league basketball for Tyler. (An interesting side note: one of my few other encounters with basketball occurred in junior high. I was asked to video tape the high school girls varsity team’s games. This lasted only because it meant I could travel–my first step into the travel industry–to other sprawling cites like Prairie City, Eddyville…you get the idea. Also, it was an opportunity to be artistic, which I know was appreciated by the basketball girls.)

When I am done…I am done. Finished. I couldn’t go any further if I tried. Unfortunately, in my adulthood I have learned to bypass my stress threshold. And, when I do that, I get sick. This whole decision process pushed me beyond what my body could handle. (read “It’s hot as hell up in here“) The biggest reason I didn’t decide to take the job was that it was going to be too stressful. I really believe I made the right decision. And, now I am done.

2 Comments

Posted in Food for Thought, Gay, Humor, My Life, The College Years

Harvey Milk

Posted on May 30, 2007 | Leave a comment

I usually don’t post twice in one day; nor do I have such a serious post. But, I was seriously moved this afternoon by watching the Academy Award-winning The Times of Harvey Milk. I realize that I am only about 23 years behind the curve here. But, this is a deeply moving documentary about Harvey Milk (San Francisco’s first openly gay elected public official and one of the first in the nation). I am amazed that it is still so moving all these years later. Perhaps it is because I live in the part of San Francisco where this all happened.

I should take a moment here to state that I realize some of you do not support gay rights. That’s too much to tackle in this post alone. What I found the most disturbing about this documentary was Dan White’s hate and disdain. It does not matter where you are at on the political or religious spectrum … to hate someone enough to kill them execution style is incomprehensible to me.

It’s not that this is news to me. I knew who Supervisor Harvey Milk and Mayor George Moscone were. I heard of the candlelight march down Market Street that followed their deaths. I read of the riots that followed Supervisor Dan White’s verdict. It’s that I had never seen the footage. It really is an understatement to say that I cried. I wept at the sight of San Francisco in the late 70’s.

I could fully recount the story for you; however, I think that you should see it for yourself.

A Serious Problem

Posted on April 27, 2007 | Leave a comment

There is a serious problem that is sweeping across the nation: People are talking on their cell phones while on the toilet in public bathrooms. It’s an epidemic. I know that with this blog I am moving into the world of ranting. But, I raved last week, so I have to even things out. I don’t want to seem too positive.

So, I have given in to the fact that people are always on their cell phones. And, in all sorts of inappropriate places. Not too long ago, I listened to a girl on the bus break up with someone on her cell phone. On the AirBart bus, I consistently have to listen to business people taking care of business on their cell phones. I live on a busy street and can hear everything that happens on the sidewalk in front of my place. One night at about 2 am, I was awakened to a guy telling someone about all the things that he could do…sexually.

I can handle all of those things. It’s an intrusion; but, I’ve just decided to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. But, I have to draw the line. It’s one thing if someone wants to talk on the phone at home while sitting on the toilet, but, if there is any place where a person should be able to have a moment of privacy–it is while they are going to the bathroom.

Here is part of a conversation I overheard not too long ago while in the bathroom:
(Please pardon the sound effects, I think it gets my point across.)

“Hey, Honey…” (ppffffffttt)
“No I’m not busy…” (ppffffffttt)
“Oh, baby that’s great!” (ppfffffffttt)
“Oh, that’s just cars going by…” (ppffffffttt)
“No, No…you’re not interrupting…” (rrrrrgggggpppffffftt)
“Okay, bye, love you.” (flush)

I have just one thing to say to those who choose to use their phones at the most inopportune times: VOICEMAIL.

God, I feel much better now.