Category Archives: Food for Thought

Shhhh.

Posted on October 13, 2007 | 2 comments

So, first an update. I probably am going to have to give up the battle of the smoker. There are just too many of them. Seriously, every time I walk by that laundry mat, there is someone smoking at the front door. In fact, yesterday when I was walking by there was even someone smoking inside the laundry mat. None of the other places in my neighborhood have this problem. I suppose I can win this fight by just going someplace else. It’s just so close…(If you have no idea what I am talking about, read my blog post entitled Taking a stand one pair of undies at a time….)

I’ve been thinking a lot about rights this week. Mostly, why is no one concerned with mine? Maybe it’s because Governor Schwarzenegger vetoed a California gay-marriage bill for the second time this past week. Or, because a co-worker “shhhed” me at work when I was talking about my boyfriend Jeff. But, I’ll get to that in a second.

I admit, I am clearly too sensitive about this. I can’t help it. All my life, I have been a chronic people pleaser. My problem is serious. It really is the battle of my life. I’m winning this battle on small fronts, but, I will probably always struggle with this. For God’s sake (pun intended), I put myself through 6 years of Bible college and denied my sexuality for this reason! I wanted to make my parents happy, my church happy, God happy. And, I thought that if I could make them happy then maybe I would have a chance at being happy. It’s clear that I was wrong. I got the order wrong. I should have been first on that list. Perhaps, I should have been the only one on that list.

Damn. I can really get stuck on an issue, can’t I? My point is this, I spend waaaaaaay too much time worrying about how loud I am on my cell phone, the volume of my TV at night, am I disturbing anyone, etc. etc. etc. etc… It’s the struggle of the people pleaser. I don’t really want to become a selfish, narcissistic prick either. That’s not my goal. But, somewhere there lies a balance. It starts with me taking small stands for myself.

So, back to the work incident. Some background first…flight attendants do lots of talking. Too much, actually. They talk about the passengers. They talk about other flight attendants. They talk about the latest US Weekly. And, mostly, they talk incessantly about themselves. Being the chronic people pleaser that I am, I usually end up listening. And listening. And listening. You get the idea. So, when someone actually asks me anything about me, I jump on the opportunity. Last week my co-worker asked me if I was in a relationship.

Delighted to be asked, I responded, “Yes, I have a boyfriend. His name is Jeff. He’s a food stylist.”

My straight male co-worker said, “Oh, cool, do you live together?”

Amazed at his interest I answered, “Nope. But, he lives nearby…we spend a lot of time at my place of the weekends, though.”

“Shhhhh.” The straight guy said, “Prying ears are listening.”

“Excuse me?”

“Shhhhh.” He points and uses the international sign for me to be quiet.

Now, mind you, at this point in the flight I have already listened to him talk directly in front of passengers about his wife, her job, their arguments, the amount of sleep she usually gets, the amount of sex he usually gets, etc. etc. etc. etc. I was tucked away in the corner of the galley and not talking very loudly about anything racy at all.

So, told him, “Listen, you asked. And, I have every right to talk about my boyfriend Jeff. I have nothing to be ashamed of…”

To which, he turned and walked away. It’s just your typical “straight” male flight attendant arrogance–constantly trying to de-gayify the job. They usually feel that they have a lot to prove, working in a field dominated by women and gay men. They overcompensate.

I’m proud of myself, though. I’ve worked hard at not feeling shame for being gay. Especially, since it is a feeling mostly placed on me by others who are not comfortable with my sexual orientation. It’s interesting to me that he felt no embarrassment in trying to hush me. He just wanted me to feel shame in talking about the most important person in my life. It’s obvious where the real shame here lies.

2 Comments

Posted in Flight Attendant, Food for Thought, Gay, Rants

Taking a stand one pair of undies at a time…

Posted on October 8, 2007 | 1 comment

I’ve experienced my first laundry rage incident. And, I will wear it like a badge of honor.

It’s been coming, this laundry rage. You can only pay $5 to wash and dry 1 load of laundry for so long until it finally gets to you. Not to mention all of the schlepping. (refer to That Damn Crack) You really have to play well with others–you know: share your space, clean up after yourself, don’t take too long. After years and years of going to the laundry mat, it finally happened. I snapped.

Here’s how it went down. The laundry mat across from my house burned down about a year and a half ago. Finally, this week it reopened…shiny, clean, and new. I was folding my laundry at the table closest to the front door when someone committed the biggest laundry etiquette faux pas one can make. They were smoking at the front door. Mind you, the irony of someone smoking at the front door during the grand re-opening of a laundry mat that had burned down was not lost on me. But, had the doors not been open, and had the smoke not been pouring right in on my clothes, I probably would not have been affected at all.

But, this was not the case. This guy was just plain inconsiderate. My mantra in life is be kind, be generous, be honest. I figured that I needed to be honest with this guy. And, at first, I tried to be kind. And, I suppose that I was being generous, because, I didn’t say anything during his first cigarette. So, I focused on being honest.

I walked up to him and and asked him, “If you are going to smoke, would you please move away from the door?”

The Asshole responded, “Ohhhhhh, is my smoke boooooothering you?”

So, I said, “Uh, actually, yes. I don’t want my clothes to smell like smoke.”

The Asshole countered, “You should go fold them somewhere else.”

I turned around and ignored him. At least I tried, right? At this point the Asshole (I don’t know his name, so I call him The Asshole) grabbed his chair and slammed it down on the other side of the entrance, his smoke still pouring inside the front door. This is when my life mantra fully went out the window and I just acted. Pure instinct. I marched back outside and shouted at him, “You could at least try to be considerate.”

He laughed.

Despite years of rehearsing proper cussing techniques (check out @$%#!) my best retort was, “Fuck you.”

He threw his cigarette on the ground, which, mind you, is also a laundry mat etiquette faux pas, and went back to doing this laundry. But, hey, at least the smoking stopped. Of course, I did have to fold the rest of my clothes while they stood on the opposite side of the laundry mat and mocked me. But, I honestly didn’t care. I just stood there and smiled. After years of allowing people to walk all over me and my laundry, I finally took a stand. And, it worked! At least for a short while.

Five minutes later, just as I was finishing up, another guy went right outside the door and lit up. Be kind, be generous, be honest. Be kind, be generous, be honest…

1 Comment

Posted in Food for Thought, Rants

The Long Road to Where I Am–Part 3

Posted on August 28, 2007 | Leave a comment

I tell you what: I can hold a grudge. And, not just the kind of grudge where you dislike someone, but can still be “friends.” I’m talkin’ ’bout the kind of grudge where it is impossible to even look at the person, much less, talk to them. For example, when I was in high school, I didn’t talk to my “best friend” Danny for over a year because of a fight we had over a piece of gum and a girl. Not my most mature moment, but come on, I was a teenager.

Forgiveness has not really ever been something that came naturally for me. I can hold a grudge for so long that I forget the most important part of a grudge–the why. I just know that I am mad at you, and that’s that. So there it is, just put on your big girl panties and deal with it. I will forget this, but I sure as hell won’t forgive it.

But, as difficult as it is for me to do, I just have to do it. Because as long as you don’t forgive, you hold onto all of that shit. And, my mind is crowded enough as is, so, I can’t afford to be a pack rat. I believe that a good mental spring cleaning begins with forgiveness.

For me, this process starts by not allowing silly situations to escalate to the point where they need forgiveness. My mantra these days really has become: be kind, be generous, be honest…be kind, be generous, be honest… And, I have been using it often. I tend to need a lot of reminders. So, when someone is acting like a real jackass I start chanting the mantra (…to myself, of course. I don’t want to come across as the head case I really am…) And, it really works! Instead of my usual gut reaction of holding a grudge and not talking, I press through and communicate. Nine times out of ten I discover that they are not a real jackass at all. They were just giving their gut reaction to the situation. One out of ten people really are jackasses, which is fine. I just don’t have room for them in my life.

I also have been working on cleaning out the dusty corners of my mental attic. This requires forgiving people that didn’t even know I was holding a grudge–including myself. Doing all of this has freed me up to simply live in the now. It makes it easier to revisit the past when I don’t have all of these pent up negative emotions still attached to everything. I can start to enjoy the humor in it all.

So, this is the last in this series of serious posts. They may not have been the most exciting articles to read, but, I had to write them. If you’re gonna read my blog, you’re gonna get the good, the bad, and the ugly… 😉

2 Ways to Deal With 1 Problem

Posted on August 21, 2007 | 1 comment

For those of you who have been following along on my blogging journey, you may remember that I wrote an entry entitled, “A Serious Problem.” It was a humorous look at cell phones and voice mail. Due to the gravity of the serious cell phone problem in the world, I have decided to write more. (I am just guessing; but, I think you will probably see even more of these to come…I’m on a crusade.)

Jeff and I went to see The Invasion this weekend, starring Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig. It was the latest in a growing list of movie remakes of The Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Not bad. Not great. It was so-so. I mostly went because I enjoy sci-fi, and was in the mood for a movie. It proved to be enjoyable. But, not because the movie was awesome.

About ten minutes into the movie, the guy directly in front of me started texting on his iPhone. After about 3 seconds of thinking, “ooooh…an iPhone,” I started to get annoyed. It was such a distraction. In the dark theater, it was like someone was shining a light in my face while I was–believe it or not–trying to watch the movie. In my typically passive manner, I pointed him out to Jeff. I really just wanted to complain about it. Jeff, however, leans forward and kindly asks this guy to stop. After shooting Jeff a scandalous glance, he turned off his phone for the rest of the movie. I was amazed. First, chivalry is not dead. (Thanks, honey) Second, I couldn’t believe that is all it took for this guy to stop being rude.

Now, back to the movie. Here’s a synopsis and a spoiler. The movie starts off with the space shuttle disintegrating upon re-entry into Earth’s atmosphere. The pieces end up scattered across the U.S. Well, evidently there are some mysterious spores attached to the remains of the shuttle. These spores, once inside the human body, alter the person’s DNA and cause the person to be void of emotion, feeling, etc. Slowly, but surely, this “virus” spreads across the country, giving everyone a zombie-esque manner. Blah, blah, blah…I’ll skip to the moral of the story. Without emotion or feeling, there is no rage or hate or even reason for war, or any kind of conflict in general. So, the question is raised: are we better off being fully human (full of hate and rage) or are we better off in this new state of being…in peace? They don’t really answer the question; they just want you to think.

Welllll, at the end of the movie, I hear yelling in the back of the theater. Evidently, a woman was texting throughout the entire movie. The guy behind her got sick of it after an hour and a half and decided to kick the back of her chair on his way out. I’m thinking…finally, now for the real entertainment! Security was called, so, Jeff and I left. Jeff brought up an interesting point about people having ADD. They can’t just watch the movie. They also have to text, talk on their phone, etc. In his words, “why would you pay $10 to come play on your phone?” Good point.

Immediately, I was in awe that this was going on after this movie. These people totally missed the point to the whole movie, which was due to the fact that they were paying more attention to the phone. Not only that, but also, they put a perfect exclamation mark at the end of the movie. I was proud of Jeff for choosing to ask the guy in front of us to turn his cell off. I think it was better way to deal with the issue.

Isn’t it amazing that devices that are intended to help us communicate and connect to others, can actually do the opposite? Instead of connecting and communicating with the world around us we are pulled into this tunnel were no one else matters. I believe that the cell phone and the MP3 player are GREAT inventions. I love mine. But, there is a time a place for everything. We as a society need to learn this lesson. Otherwise the body snatchers might come…

1 Comment

Posted in Food for Thought, Movies, Rants

The Long Road to Where I Am–Part 2

Posted on August 18, 2007 | Leave a comment

It’s been over a week since my last post. I have been working way too much. I am finding that these posts in my “The Long Road to Where I Am” series are both difficult and important for me to create. Meaning, they take a lot out of me, but I need to say these things. These “things” have been brewing for a long time and need to be expressed. I appreciate the response that I have received following my first post…keep those comments coming.

I want to clarify a few things, however. The last post dealt a lot with my journey through college. I would like to clarify where I am…now. First, I am no longer trying to de-gayify myself. It’s not possible. And, more importantly–even if it were possible–I have no desire to do that. I would even take it as far as saying that I was wrong for even trying to do that to myself in college. However, I do still believe the whole process of going through that made me stronger and more sure of myself. So, maybe I did need to go through it. Who knows…

Although I still consider my college days a struggle, I no longer consider being gay a sin. In fact, I no longer even think of my actions in those terms–sin vs. not a sin. My morality is not based on the Bible or any particular religious group. It is based on proven human experience. For example, murder is wrong because it has consistently been proven harmful to society (not to mention the individual being murdered). This is just one example. To avoid getting too philosophical, which may be too late at this point, I am going to move on. Which is where I am right now. The whole purpose of writing about my experiences is about moving on. I am mostly choosing to view that time of my life through humor. Because in life you have several choices: you can laugh, you can cry, or you can kick someone. And, right now, I am choosing to laugh.

My mantra has become “be honest, be honest, be honest.” And so, when I reflect on certain things in college, I have to say that I was a flaming queen. Very effeminate. At least that is what I was told my freshman year. And, when I watch the videos, I think I have to agree. You see, I was part of a touring music group called Impact Brass & Singers. We performed multi-media programs that consisted of a mixture of songs, skits, and slides (set to the music). Kind of like “Up With People.” It was during a rehearsal my first year, that one of the directors pulled me aside and said, “Brother, you are doing a good job, but can you tone it down a little. You are being a little too effeminate.” Whaaaaaat? (for the appropriate effect read that with a rising screech, a hand to your chest, a hand on your hip…get the picture??)

I worked really hard from that moment until the moment I began to come out at being masculine. (i.e.-lowering my voice, watching my hand gestures, trying not to purse my lips…) I am happy to say that I no longer edit myself like that. It does make for a much happier me. But, anyway, while we’re on the topic, I would like to discuss this a little further. It is interesting to me that although I hate the f-word, (no…not “fuck”… you dirty birdies. ;-)) there is a reason I was called the f-word a lot in high school. To those misguided homophobes, I was a fag. The interesting part is the denial of this on both sides of the fence. First, there was the my self-denial. Me trying not to be gay, “I can’t be gay,” etc. etc. And, then, there was the denial from my friends and family. Oh, Tyler….he’s just a special, sensitive, creative type…he couldn’t be a homosexual. Oh, but he could…and he is…

This all supports my theory that people will believe what they want to believe. Despite all evidence to the contrary. And, you can’t really change that. They have to change it. Just like I had to change my beliefs about being gay. The perfect example of this is my family. When I came out to them, I told myself that it took me 24 years to come to terms with being gay; so, I would have to give them some time as well. And after almost ten years, they are in a much better place with it. I think most importantly, they actually believe it is true, finally.

Although, I am sensitive and creative, that’s not the only reason that I enjoy to watch Lifetime, television for women (and gay men), and I have a special affinity for musical theater…