Monthly Archives: December 2007

The Real Wedding Singer

Posted on December 18, 2007 | 1 comment

Jeff and I were watching TV this weekend and happened to surf past The Wedding Singer, starring Adam Sandler (Robbie Hart) and Drew Barrymore (Julia Sullivan). Oh, that takes me back. You remember the movie, right? You know…Adam Sandler plays a washed up wedding singer whose fiancé walks out on him at the altar. Drew Barrymore plays a catering server who ends up falling for Adam’s character, and dumps her fiancé (whose last name is Gulia, which would have made her name Julia Gulia).

Needless to say, unless you like hearing Adam Sandler doing 80’s covers, this movie itself is washed up. So, we kept on surfing. But, of course, that movie always reminds me of my college days. Not because it was set in the 80’s, but because I was a real wedding singer back in the 90s.

I never did it for a living, though. I was kind of like the girl who is always the bridesmaid and never the bride. I have sang in more weddings than I care to remember. And, I have to admit it straight away…I hate weddings! Here’s why…

I think they are ridiculous. Not in a “oh, bless her heart…can you believe she wants that in her wedding…” type of way, but in a “these people ain’t right” type of way. Seriously, I know what I’m talking about here–these people ain’t right. One of the bonuses of being the wedding singer/musician (sometimes I just had to play the piano) was that I got an up close view of how horrible everything really was, but I didn’t have to actually stand up with the wedding party and pretend to like it. You have to know what I am talking about here–think bridesmaid dresses, gaudy flowers, etc. etc. I got to sit over in the corner and crack jokes or just shake my head in disbelief.

The number one reason that I hate weddings is clear. I can’t deal with the entitlement that goes along with it. It’s this attitude that says, “This is my day! I deserve to get whatever I want!” Ugh. I totally grossed myself out just typing it. I’ve actually seen brides throw temper-tantrums.

The second reason is that because they are entitled, they will put anything that they want in their wedding. And this is where I was always personally affected. If I ever sing at another wedding, there are several things that I swear on my severely sprained ankle that I won’t sing…The Wedding Song (There is Love). No way. No more Peter, Paul and Mary songs! Also, no more Everything I Do (I Do It for You). And, definitely, positively no more Chicago songs. You know…You’re the Inspiration. I just have to put my foot down. Ouch!

Most of the people’s weddings that I sang in were friends, so, I have probably just offended them all. Oh well, they need to know these things for their second or third weddings. Which brings me to the third reason I hate weddings. Freebies. Now, keep in mind, most of these weddings happened prior to my career as a flight attendant. I had to pay to fly everywhere. And, people just love to have their special day at locations that could not be possibly more inconvenient. I actually “opted” out of going to my sister’s and my brother’s weddings because they were too far removed–i.e. waaaaay too expensive to fly to.

But, as for my “friends,” I cannot tell you all of the outrageous things that were expected of me pro bono. I actually had one “friend” in college get mad at me because I told him I couldn’t afford to pay the $600 for the airfare to come and sing at his wedding (for free). The most common thing that people would ask me to do for free is what I call “filler.” Basically it went like this: they would discover at the last minute that their poorly planned wedding had gaps in it. Oh yeah, why don’t we just have the pianist play something there. “Oh, pianist, can you just play a little something while we wait for the bride to get ready?” That’s why I always came to weddings with loads of piano books. Better to be prepared.

Weddings bring out people’s true character. In mothers who may normally appear to be sweet and harmless you see the inner control freak. In fathers who may normally appear to be dominant and controlling you see that they really just don’t give a shit. And, in brides who may normally appear to be totally in love with the groom, you see that they are much more in love with the wedding than with him.

Wow, I just let out some seriously pent-up feelings about this subject. I feel much better now.

I can’t end a blog post about weddings without at least telling my funniest wedding experience. First, I fully support gay marriage. I fully believe that we should have the right to marry whomever and however we want. That doesn’t mean that I actually want to have a wedding ceremony. Especially, after I went to my first gay wedding.

It was several years ago. The grooms decided to incorporate a plethora of cultural practices into their ceremony, in order to honor the diversity of their beliefs, I guess. So, it started with both of the grooms being carried in by the wedding party while the entire congregation repeatedly sang a song entitled He Carried Me. Subtle, I know. At another point the grooms sprinkled rose petals over the entire congregation. This was followed by one of the grooms playing You Are My Sunshine on his violin. And, the highlight was when the grooms got dressed up as pink bunny rabbits for the congregation. I shit you not.

Some people just ain’t right.

1 Comment

Posted in Gay, Humor, Movies, My Life, Rants, The College Years

An Angry Mob of Readers

Posted on December 14, 2007 | Leave a comment

Well, it couldn’t be avoided. I have to talk about my sprained ankle. You may remember me discussing my proneness to tripping in a past blog post entitled That damn crack. If you haven’t, you should definitely check it out. I do believe it’s one of my better blog articles. Anyway, I am only avoiding the real topic here–my ankle.

So, just prior to Thanksgiving I was on a layover in Ontario, CA. It was my first trip after returning from Montana, and I was feeling fresh and alive, ready to deal with the masses. 😉 I was at the hotel and stepped off the curb in front, when my right foot came down on a piece of uneven pavement. Immediately my foot rolled under and I felt a sharp pain in my ankle. It was almost like an electric shock that was warning me, “Hey, Dumbass, watch where you’re going!”

I can tend to exaggerate at times just for theatrics. What I have to say next is totally the truth…I swear on my sprained ankle…

My arms shot up into the air as if to warn anyone who may not have noticed me falling. Instinctively, I turned my body as I fell so as to not re-injure my right shoulder (which has been dislocated about 6 times). This was followed by a loud grunt, as I landed with a thud on the side of my right thigh. Before it was all over, I managed to completely roll over several times, just for flare, I guess.

I was totally stunned. How could someone like myself, someone who never trips or falls or gets hurt, manage to do this? Believe it or not, I was surprised. The very next thing that came to mind–and this should convince you of my commitment to this blog–was this very disturbing thought: I could totally blog about this.

Yes, it’s true. Before I started to worry if I had broken my ankle; before I began to wonder why I rolled over so many times (I mean seriously you would have thought I was on fire!); Before I tried to get up and wipe the dirt and oil off my ass I was thinking of you, my loyal and eager readers.

Now, don’t you fret, once I shook my mind free of the slow motion replay of what had happened, and the need to create a blog that was interesting, I forgave you. I mean after all, it wasn’t as if a mob of angry readers were there pushing me off the curb so that I would have something to write about. That’s just how dramatic the world is…in my head, of course.

Before you lose any sleep due to any guilt or regret you may be feeling, please know that I am on the mend. I won’t lie–It did hurt like a mother and still is a little painful. It swelled up to the size of a soccer ball and turned about 30 different shades of purple. Not to mention the recurring night sweats and constant fear I now have of curbs, my curbaphobia, if you will. But, I’m better now. And, it was totally worth it. I was getting short on material.

Thank you, dear readers, thank you.

My Girlfriend Janine

Posted on December 12, 2007 | 2 comments

Several weeks ago Jeff and I went to Montana to visit his family. I know, I know…that is so Brokeback Mountain of us. Actually, while I can assure you that neither of us were herding any sheep, it wasn’t exactly like going on a gay cruise either.

Montana really is a beautiful state. It boasts some of the most open spaces in the country. I guess that’s why they call it “Big Sky” country. This is the second trip I have made to the “Treasure State.” The first was during the summer of 2006. It was during that first trip that I met Janine. And, I can’t talk about Janine without first saying how much I adore her. In fact, that’s how I always start out any story about Jeff’s sister, “So, I got to talk to Janine on the phone…God, I adore her…anyway…”

When Jeff and I walked off the plane in Great Falls in 2006, Janine literally vibrated. I’ve never experienced such a welcome in my life. She was so excited to see Jeff and to meet me that she stood there and giggled…and shook. Of course, I immediately fell in love. How could I not? Anyone who shakes with excitement when they see me has to be on my list of favorite people.

Part of why I love her so much is that she has cerebral palsy. I have always had a soft spot for people with disabilities. Even as a kid, some of my friends at school had special needs, and my mom started her career at the local elementary school working with children who had special needs. The other reason I adore Janine so much is because of her non-complicated view of the world. At times, she does get frustrated by her limitations and does have the occasional temper-tantrum, she also says what’s on her mind.

Here is one particular conversation we had during this last trip…

“I like your coat.”

“Thanks, Janine.”

“I like your socks.”

“Thanks, they’re just brown socks.”

“I like your jeans.”

“Thank you, Janine.”

“I like you.”

“I like you, too.”

(Be sure to envision lots of shaking and giggling throughout the conversation.)

At this point, she proceeds to tell whomever is close by that she likes me. Janine is so good for my ego.

2 Comments

Posted in Family, Humor

Amongst the Masses

Posted on December 10, 2007 | 22 comments

Jeff and I went to Montana to visit his family. It was a great trip, and I will share more about that later. But, first things first. I have a theory about travel. And, here it is…if those who work with the flying public would actually fly once in a while, they would have a much better perspective and would treat the flying public differently.

Jeff and I usually buy tickets when we travel. Now, realize that, being a flight attendant, I could fly for free–even on carriers other than my own. It’s just that I hate to non-rev. That’s the term airline folks use when they use their flying benefits to fly for free. It’s not that I don’t like things that are for free, I do. It’s that Jeff has to buy a ticket since he doesn’t work for an airline. And, I really hate the stress of trying to get where we’re going at the same time by flying stand-by. Who wants to be sitting in an airport waiting for flight after flight, while your partner is already at your destination?

You see, amazingly, for someone who flies for a living, I am a horrible flier. Oh, I could manage through it, if I were traveling alone or with another flight attendant. But, I don’t like the stress of it…especially when I am on vacation. So…I buy a ticket and travel like everyone else. And, after doing this several times, I am convinced that every airline employee should do this once in a while. Here’s why: Airline employees need to know what the passengers go through.

Here’s my “airport experience” as a flight attendant…

A pre-arranged van picks me up from the hotel an hour before the scheduled departure time. I am dropped off at the curb and walk directly to the front of the security line, bypassing everyone. I am allowed to leave my belt and shoes on and I am not restricted by liquid bans or number of carry-on rules. I show up to the airplane before anyone gets on it and take my time getting settled before any passengers board. At the end of my day, I gather my belongings and walk straight to the hotel van. Someone loads my luggage into the back for me and I am off.

I am not saying that there are no stresses for me at work. I do have to deal with passengers who are difficult. I am bound to the plane often for 10+ hours. And, if there are delays or other circumstances, I’m right there with everyone else. But, from traveling among hoi polloi, here is what I have learned:

The “airport experience” of the masses…

Expecting long line-waits, I had to arrive at the airport at least two hours before my departure. I wait in my first line for the ticket counter. I check my bags, say a prayer that they’ll make it to my final destination and move on to the security line. I wander through the snake-shaped line, pausing for flight crews and passengers with special needs to squeeze in front. Finally, at the front of the line, I have to take off my jacket, my belt, and my shoes. My bag, which has no liquids, is chosen for further screening. I watch without touching, the agent ruin my careful packing job. I am left with my belongings in a pile, half-disrobed, and a TSA agent pushing me to “move on.” I finally get myself re-organized and head to the gate and wait some more. I finally start to board the plane and wait in line again.

Now, the fun begins. I am 6’2″ and sitting in a middle seat for two hours. It’s not exactly comfortable. But, I’m fine. It’s only a two hour flight. At least, I’m not flying international. I arrive at my first destination and have a connection. So, I have to go through the boarding process again, followed by another crammed flight on an even smaller plane. Once I arrive at my final destination, I then deplane and wait again for my luggage, hoping that it made it all the way.

The amazing thing is that this scenario doesn’t even involve any delays or cancellations or actually any of the really extreme situations which can happen on a trip. My point is that flying is not fun. There is no question about that. Even in writing this out, I empathize with the flying public. It’s interesting to me that while I am at work, I usually think that people should be better mannered. But, honestly, now, I think that most people are just doing the best they can with a rather unpleasant experience.

And, I know as a passenger and a airline employee, it is just nice to know that someone understands and cares.

22 Comments

Posted in Flight Attendant, Food for Thought, Rants

I’m back!

Posted on December 10, 2007 | Leave a comment

Hey, everybody. Finally, I’m back. I decided to take a month off. I needed time to come up with some fresh ideas. Plus, it’s been an incredibly hectic month! I went to Montana for a week to visit Jeff’s family and then it was time for Thanksgiving. I seriously sprained my ankle in the midst of it all. Of course, I had to find time to work, too. I never realized that all I had to do to find new material was just live life…

So, here we go! Enjoy “my life.” I do.