Monthly Archives: July 2007

They

I have discovered the most powerful group in the world. It is “they”. You know, “they” say… No other group has the power to influence opinion than “they”. “They” has discovered causes and cures for cancer; solutions to global warming; well, actually, “they” has taken on just about every current problem known. And, it has me thinking…who is “they?”

Well, here it is. “They” does not exist.

Flight Attendants are notorious for sharing bits of wisdom derived from the imaginary group “they.” Take your standard jumpseat (that’s where we sit) conversation for example: “I was talking to this one flight attendant who said that ‘they’ said that ‘they‘ were gonna close all of the west coast flight attendant bases…it’s true, that’s what ‘they‘ said. And then you know, ‘they‘ say that you really shouldn’t drink beverages out of a can because, you know, the aluminum will kill you. So, I’m gonna stop drinking Coke. ‘They‘ are always doing this to me, you know…”

Actually, I don’t know. Sometimes, I just feel like saying, “What are you talking about?”

They” is simply who we attribute an out of control rumor to when we no longer even remember who started it. And, I hate rumors. But, not for the reason you might think. I don’t mind people talking about something behind your back; or, about something to which they aren’t really even connected. That’s just gonna happen. Kathy Griffin puts it this way when someone suggests that you “say it to her face”: “Um…I’d rather not. I’d rather wait until you leave the room. My mother raised me right. It’s called manners.

I don’t like rumors; because, rumors usually contain bad information. And, if I am going to give up an essential part of my diet, like caffeine, I want it to be for a real reason. Not because “they” said so.

wacka-chicka, wacka-chicka, wacka-chicka…

By now, surely, you must have noticed my attraction to pop culture. I love all things TV, movie, music, and especially internet. So, it should come as no surprise that I love Oprah. I love all her pretention. I love the fact that everything she touches turns to gold. Wouldn’t that be a great ability to have? Whatever books you like, everyone else will buy and like. Even if they are crap. I mean she’s like the closest thing to a modern day Jesus that we have–although, I don’t think she has walked on water … yet.

My favorite things about Oprah are her AHA! moments. These are moments when you realize some great truth that changes your life. What a great concept.

But, (Sorry, O.)I have a better idea. Since, I personally enjoy living in “la la” land–a delusional world of situations that aren’t real–I have lots of moments that are the total opposite of an AHA! moment. Moments that I ignore the “great truths” that could change my life. Like, when I am at work and someone “looks” at me in a sexy kind of way. I create this whole idea that they are flirting with me. I start to swagger down the aisle and ask them, “would you like coffee…tea…me?”

(cue the music and lights)
wacka-chicka, wacka-chicka, wacka-chicka…

Maybe, I’ve watched too much porn (speaking of things that aren’t real). But, when I create a situation that isn’t real–I call it a “wacka-chicka” moment. You know…from the cheesy music the play in porn. For instance, when I used to live in Phoenix, I had a pool in my backyard. Once a week, the “pool boy” would come and walk around the pool and pretend to clean it. That part is real. However, I had a major wacka-chicka moment everytime he came. You probably can see where this is going. If things aren’t happening in real life, sometimes you just have to create them in your head.
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I know that we all do this. We see things that aren’t there. I have shared one of my wacka-chicka moments. Now, it’s your turn. COME ON, leave me a comment about one your wackiest wacka-chicka moments…
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Here’s a funny Pablo Francisco video about porn music…

7-7-7

Are any of you are gamblers? If not, today is the day to start. IT’S 7-07-07!!!! Which reminds me of a story. I know, I know… everything seems to remind me of a story or a movie or tv show or something. But, if you haven’t caught on by now, that’s how I excuse writing about some of the wacky things that have happened in my life, like my religious upbringing.

And, I blame my religious upbringing for making me superstitious. It’s kind of what prayer is to me. You focus on something really hard and …wham-mo… it happens. Sometimes…depending on how good you are at it. It’s kind of like the character “Hiro” on Heroes. He closes his eyes really tight and vibrates with concentration until he causes time to stand still–or better yet–he travels in time. (By the way, Heroes is my most favorite tv show of last season…) Anyway, my point is, I learned to use my mental capacity for altering situations as a child. And, boy, has it come in handy.

I should probably stop sharing top secret airline information; but, I think that, for your own good, you need to know this. I personally am responsible for keeping the airplane in the air. It’s true. I will it to happen. I’m sorry, I don’t know how they stay airborne without me on the plane, perhaps it’s luck. But, when I am on the plane, I keep it in the air. If we are having too much turbulence, or if something doesn’t seem “right,” I will the plane to stay in the air.

I know that I am not the only one responsible; so, I can’t take all the credit. I have noticed passengers sitting on the plane in a trance-like state, eyes closed, vibrating with concentration, keeping the plane airborne. But, nonetheless, you’re welcome. You can also thank me for the nice weather when I’m in town, the train coming soon when I arrive on the platform, and green lights when I’m in the car. You’re welcome…I’m just being the gift that I am.
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Ok, I have to take a moment to tell a story within a story (God, am I “schizo” or what today…). If you haven’t seen the new “reality” show “Hey Paula” on Bravo, check it out. It features Paula Abdul, and it’s right up there with “Being Bobby Brown” also from the Bravo Network. Paula actually said something along the lines of “people should thank me for the gift that I am.” Talk about narcissism… And, so now, of course, it’s my new favorite catch phrase.
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Where, was I? Oh, yes…the gift that I am. You’re welcome.

I realize some people may argue that it’s actually physics keeping the plane aloft. But, I’m not so convinced. I mean just look at my record: 7 years of flying (as a flight attendant, anyway) and I’ve managed to keep the plane up every time. I think the proof is in the pudding.

Now, if I could only make money appear into my checking account I would be set…

Here’s my best “Hiro” impression…
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