Monthly Archives: July 2007

Faster Than an F5 Tornado

Posted on July 28, 2007 | Leave a comment

Ok, so I just got home from work and boy, are my wings tired. It was such a hard trip (i.e.–3 hours on the tarmac with a plane full of LA passengers, waiting to take off on a 5 1/2 hour flight…do the math.) Once we got to LA, we still had to work one more flight. Whew. Since our passengers we were picking up in LA were 3 1/2 hours late, I was fully expecting them to be irate. In reality, they were too tired to show any emotion at all. Except for Mr. Jim Bob Rowdy, who was sitting in seat 10D.

Jim Bob Rowdy loved to fly and it showed. ;-) He on numerous occasions told me how much he loved my airline, followed by a “wooo hooo!!!!” and both fists in the air. At first, I honestly was a little annoyed–as were his fellow passengers, many of whom had just spent 8 1/2 hours on the plane. But, as the saying goes, “This airline can clear out a trailer park faster than an F5 tornado!” And, it’s true. I’m not being uppidy, I’m just sayin’… And, in truth, the guy was quite amusing.

I actually love these passengers. They are my peeps. These are the people that I grew up around. There is very little pretense with them. And often times, they have never flown, and don’t really know how to act on a plane. Which can be a real hoot. If the mullet, Jeff Gordon ballcap, and cut-off shorts don’t give you something to chuckle about, it’s just a matter of time before something blog-worthy is said. And, Mr. Rowdy was no exception.

I was passing out the peanuts, and offered him some. Verbatim, here is his response, I shit you not: “Shoot…I got no teeth. I can’t eat them peanuts.” It gets more realistic if you add slight drawl. My co-flight attendant and I spent the next ten minutes in the back galley recreating the scene. And, it just got better and better. I have decided that “Shoot…I got no teeth” is my new slogan.

True to Jim Bob’s nature, on landing he stood up, fists in the air, shouting,”wooo hooo, ya’all rock…yeah!” I just love our passengers…

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Posted in Flight Attendant, Humor

Everybody Loves a Nice Montage

Posted on July 23, 2007 | Leave a comment

mon·tage (mon-täzh) n.

1.a. A single pictorial composition made by juxtaposing or superimposing many pictures or designs.
b. The art or process of making such a composition.

2.a. A relatively rapid succession of different shots in a movie.
b. The juxtaposition of such successive shots as a cinematic technique.

3. A composite of closely juxtaposed elements: a montage of voices on an audiotape.

tr.v. mon·taged, mon·tag·ing, mon·tag·es
To use or incorporate in a montage.

t[French, from monter, to mount, from Old French; see mount1.]
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2003. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

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I love montages. You know…the piecing together of clips in a movie or on a tv show with a nice music underlay. They do this to advance the story without actually having to write all that dialogue. For example, if film editors want to show the time period between someone’s childhood and adulthood, they can just turn it into a montage by showing the defining moments that might have happened during that period. What makes a montage really great is the use of slow-motion and a nice ballad.

I think that I mostly enjoy the cheesy drama associated with a montage. More than once, I have been listening to a great song and thought, “This would be perfect for my montage!” Oh yes, that’s right, I have been creating my a personal montage of my life…in my head. I might possibly use Mariah Carey’s “Hero” or, possibly Coldplay’s “Fix You.” It would be complete with a shot of me showing my “prize” heifer at the Marion County Fair; followed by a nice clip of me in my basement, rollerskating to “Rosanna” with a broom in my hand; a couple clips of me singing; serving some drinks on the airplane with a smile and a wink; and maybe a nice slow-mo of me running on the beach with the wind blowing through my hair… OK, that last one has never actually happened, but, still I think that it would make a nice addition to my montage.

And who doesn’t enjoy a nice stroll down memory lane, with the Golden Girls’ theme song playing underneath? Thank you for being a friend… travel down the road and back again… It really is possible that I have too much time on my hands. All I know is that when I reflect on the past, I can’t help it. It turns into a montage…music and all.

I thought that I would include a couple of examples. One not so serious, and another serious. Enjoy the amazingly wonderful world of the montage…
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This first montage is from “South Park.” It’s a parody of sport montages. You know, clips of the athlete training, etc. The best part is that “they” always use a nice 80′s song, like, “Eye of the Tiger” or something similar. This is probably the funniest montages I’ve seen…

This second montage is a serious one. It is from the series finale of “Six Feet Under.” They use Sia’s “Breathe Me” for the music and it’s very well done. It is the last thing you see in the show; and, they use it show how each of the show’s characters’ lives play out…

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Posted in Humor, Movies, TV

Tammy Faye Messner (Bakker) Passes

Posted on July 22, 2007 | Leave a comment

Tammy Faye Messner (Bakker) passed away on Friday. I remember watching PTL as a kid and simply being enthralled with her. (I did find her husband Jim a little annoying) In many ways, she was the first drag queen that I enjoyed watching. And what gay kid wouldn’t love watching someone who dresses and does their make-up like a drag queen. Not to mention all of the drama and tears, which was always fascinating. When the PTL show was taken off the air and the shit hit the fan (tax evasion and sex scandal) the christian community turned their backs on them.

Tammy Faye was not judgemental, and accepted every person regardless of who they were. She is one of the few christians I have seen publicly reach out to the gay community. I know that many people think of her as a bizarre, over the top, circus act. I see her as love.

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Posted in Food for Thought, Gay, Pop-Culture

My First Kiss…well, almost.

Posted on July 22, 2007 | 1 Comment

I love girls. In fact, I loved girls so much in grade school that I always had a gaggle of them surrounding me. I was totally in a chick clique. We played tag together and pretty much totally ignored all of the boys. This is how I met my first girlfriend Penny.

The girls and I were playing tag one day when this loud and brash vision of a third grader came at me hand outstretched. When I realized that I was her target, I dodged her tag. She missed me, but unfortunately, did not miss the window that was directly behind me. After crashing through the window, and subsequently receiving multiple stitches, Penny and I became best friends.

She was the first in a long series of “girlfriends.” Here’s how the progression usually went:

Step 1: Meet a girl who is funny and goofy, or loud and brash…not your typical “pretty girl.”

Step 2: Become “best friends” with the girl. Pass lots of notes to each other.

Step 3: Mutually decide to “go together.” (NOTE: I actually sent Penny a note that said, “Do you want to go together? Check yes__ or, no__” I liked clarity evidently.)

Step 4: After going together for a short while, get really uncomfortable and move on to the next victim…I mean best friend.

Step 5: Repeat steps 1-4.

Penny was different, being that she was the first. I almost made it halfway to first base with her. We were at a high school football game, running around with our gaggle of third-grade friends, when somehow we ended up behind this tractor that was parked off to the side of the field. Penny asked me to kiss her. The game was almost over, and we would have to leave soon. So, the pressure was on. The clock, or game timer, actually, was counting down…10, 9, 8, 7… and soon it was all over–both the game and my “relationship” with Penny.

She was also the first in a long line of girls that I loved, but not the way that they wanted me to. It wasn’t too long afterwards that I realized why it was that I didn’t want to kiss Penny…

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Posted in Gay, Humor, My Life, The Early Years

That damn crack.

Posted on July 19, 2007 | Leave a comment

On the street where I live, there lies a crack. It’s actually two separate slabs of concrete that are being pushed apart by tree roots–one higher, one lower. But, I call it a crack.

And, I trip on that same damn crack every time I walk up the street. That damn crack has found me during phone conversations; while sipping coffee; while listening to my Ipod; while rolling my “granny cart” to the laundry mat; while simply walking with Jeff. And, it’s worth mentioning that I don’t just trip over this crack. I massively stumble over it, dropping my phone; spilling my coffee; causing my Ipod to skip; tipping over my “granny cart;” inducing giggles and mock “trips” from Jeff.

Those who know me know that I am prone to such clumsy episodes. I find it amazing that I can balance a tray of 14 drinks on one arm. Not only that, but, I can do that during turbulence, and while dodging peoples’ feet, and children squeezing past me in the aisle of the airplane. But, I can’t seem to manage walking up the street–the same street I have walked up hundreds of times–without stumbling on that same damn crack. You’d think I’d learn my lesson.

We as humans have a long history of not learning from our mistakes. We repeatedly make the same mistakes over and over and over. We continue to pollute in the same ways, even though we know what it does. We continue to spread hate even though we have seen what hate can do. And, we continue to think that “it” will never have to us, even though almost everyone that “it” has happened to also thought that same thing–whatever “it” is.

The problem is that we as humans have an amazingly short memory. I really have no other explanation as to why I can repeatedly trip over the same crack. The good news is that no notable harm has been done. Which may have something to do with why I don’t remember that crack before I trip on it.

Is that the solution? Do we have to be really hurt before we learn our lesson? As soon as I typed that, my mind began racing through illustrations of how people only learned a lesson once they were hurt or caused irreparable harm to something or someone. But, ever the optimist, I refuse to believe it.

I have to believe that I want to learn and grow; because, I want to be a better me; not because, I have no other choice. So here’s to growth–may we be best “we” that we can be!

Oh yeah, and if you see a blonde heap on the ground, covered in laundry and coffee with electronic devices scattered about…just keep walking and know that lessons are slowly being learned.
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Here’s video of Miss USA at the Miss Universe Pageant. I love the fact that, after she trips, she has this look on her face that says, “Yeah, I’m hot and I tripped…jealous?”

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Posted in Food for Thought, Humor, Video